Want to be taken seriously....are you serious!!!!

I say...
I am woman, hear me roar!!!

Now why would anyone care as long we don't learn to respect ourselves, respect our commitments and respect each other.

I know its a trivial thing, but it affected me.
Women in my office decided to come all traditional dressed up one day. While everyone said yes, there was a lukewarm response that day.
Fine!!!

Another day same story. But some women said they were unhappy about the response. So, some women took initiative to have a desi day the next day...and that day is today.
No body except me, including the leaders in this initiative, has turned up all dolled.
And I had an audit today, the last thing I wanted to do is look unprofessional. Yet I believed, since it was a desi day at office I should be a part of it. And I committed.

Sad it is that we women want to be taken seriously, at work, while making decisions...while all the time we can't seem to respect our own decisions.
How many of us commit to reach at a venue at 5 and reach a good one hour late.
I have heard this from so many women...when a woman says NO its a NO, its not a MAYBE. Are we sure??? Can we blame others not to take our NO very seriously when we have proved time and again that we can't seem to keep our own word.

This a very trivial matter, but it speaks volumes about our attitudes. Out of 25 odd women only 1 kept her word, rest couldn't care less.

The Illusion of Equality

I read this quote somewhere
If women aspire to be equal to men, they are not ambitious enough.

I have always been a staunch believer in equality of the sexes. I firmly believe that men and women are equals. Whether at school or workplace, I have always competed with one and all, irrespective of their gender. But this year 2013 has been an eye opener.
I have been jolted out of my illusions and shown me exactly where I belong.

I have always been a very bankable resource all my carrier. And suddenly, I see people losing faith in me, why just others even I seem to have lost faith in myself. Due to the pregnancy gone wrong, I took quite some unplanned leaves, and worse, I again had to take more of the same when I went through the surgery. I almost lost my job because I wasn't a dependable resource any more. And I still feel the heat of the screwed pregnancy every month. A week every month I am unable to give my 100% at work, and this is just the beginning. Soon, I would plan for another pregnancy, I would have the pregnancy period, then maternity leave and eventually the never ending cycle of baby care, picking the kid from day care, school and etc. etc. etc.
The career would have gone for a toss.

Then how are men and women equal !!? How can I have the chance of having a equally flourishing career as a man!
A man can get the best of both, a great career and a grow a family at the same time, a woman can't.
I am not saying that that having a family isn't important, I am just saying that men and women are not equal. Because for a woman to be as equal as a man she has to make sacrifices, not very pleasant ones.

I have a friend, who had a miscarriage this year during her fifth month of pregnancy. She was on a 3 months medical leave. When she joined back she realized that her promotion was shelved because of her absence from work. She was furious, she was adamant that it was harassment.
I differ.
For whatever reason, she was absent from work for 3 months, the previous 5 months she wouldn't have given her 100% because she was carrying. Very obviously, the promotion will  be given to some one who had done great work and not just on seniority basis. So her losing on her promotion is not unfair. If a man would have met with and accident and he'd have been on medical leave for 3 months, the management would have probably done the same to him.
So, I don't blame the management. But can I blame her for her frustration on losing out on her promotion? She lost her baby, and losing out on her career opportunities is adding to her woes.

In my previous project, my manager went through a tough time when one of the key resource went on a unplanned leave for a couple of weeks because it was her early pregnancy period. I have enough example of ladies who have to leave office at square 6 even if lightning strikes, because they have to pick up the baby from the day care.

So who is to blame??? As women employees, we expect to be treated as equals, but very obviously after a certain years women are bound to have these kind of issues. It's not unfair on the part of a manager if he does not treat his women resources as bankable as the men. But then what about us, who'd give us jobs in that case. Are we supposed to stay back home and forget our jobs and careers !!  

A lady in my painting workshop suggested that I better set my expectations straight. She says that after a couple of years your career will go downhill. The sooner you accept it, better for you. If you think you can have the best of both worlds, a great career and a great family, you are in for a shock.
I am afraid, she is right.

No sire...Men and women are definitely not equal...and this realization hurts!!!

And the cycle continues…

When I look around at people I meet every day, I feel more and more insecure. Why does it seem that everyone other than me has some kinda backup? Either they have a wealthy father, or a wealthy father-in-law or a husband who has a steady money-churning business.

One of my friends bought a 65 lakhs worth apartment recently.

Me : How much was the down payment?
Friend : 22 lakhs.
Me : Oh Damn!! That’s way too much money. How did you manager raise that amount?
Friend : My father gave 5, my Father-in-law gave 15. I paid 2 lakhs.
Me : !!!???

And then again people buy such enormous properties and can still manage to afford a holiday abroad…

The section of the society that consists likes of businessmen, industrialists are the ones with property and bank balances. While the other section which consists of educated, hardworking, 9-5 kinds have only got Mothers.

I am a part of the second section, the largest section of the Indian society…rather any society. The Middle Class. This is the section in which the parents work their ass off to educate their children, so that they can grow up and in turn work their asses off to educate their children who would also end up doing the same. Thus the cycle continues…

Some of them manage to do something different so that the children manage to pass on the other section of the society, thus breaking the cycle. But those kinda balls are rare for a middleclass person who gives utmost importance to security since he doesn’t have a backup plan.

Yet, I do feel the definite urge within me to do something so that my kids do not have to solely depend on the monthly salaries, so that they have a freedom to do something that they enjoy doing and not because it pays the bills.

Is divorce the easy way out???

During hostel days, the sunday matrimonial were a great way to have a good time. Most importantly the ads of people wishing to marry the second time or nth time, we used to read and discuss them and laugh about the fact that you find all kinds of people in this world. You do not then understand the pain that those people have gone through...not unless it happens to someone you love so much.

Its difficult and draining when someone in your family is going through marital problems, and there is one in my family who is going through the said problem. Now I understand when people in their second marraige ad would say 'issueless divocee'...now do I understand what you mean by it and may be I should have never laughed over them.

But is divorce the easy option???
I donno.
This generation and most importatly the women in this generation are a group of screwed up maniacs. These are people who probably run after an oasis while losing out on the real pleasures of life. Agreed...for different people, happiness means different things. But what is the happiness worth if you are carrying the curse and tears of so many people including people who brought you into this world. The woman here in question, in her quest of happiness is at the verge of losing everything, her husband, in laws and her own parents too. What kinda happiness does that bring, one which you'd probably celebrate alone without a shoulder from your own family, the so called happiness that you get after ruining the life of another unsuspecting man who had nothing to do with you or your moronic ideologies. Why is this woman being so selfish???

I mean, which couple doesn't have differences, what kinda couple gets along all the time!!! But you have to give it your best shot, you have to have an intention of keeping up and nourishing a relationship and not just walk out at the drop of a hat.
I believe we live to add value...I being alive give happiness to my parents, my husband is happy to have me, my in-laws are hopefully okay with a bahu like me, I have a good going carrer and people happily support me because I am one of the reason for peace and happiness to them...if I am not there tomorrow all these people would miss my presence. But having brought her to this world what did she add, her parents are embarrased to have a daughter like that, she ruined the peace and harmony of my happy family, if she dies tomorrow, to whom will that matter. I for one would sigh peace.

I strongly believe she got a very good family and a great husband, so much so that her own parents to a good extend are supporting us and not her. Unfortunate are the people who do not get good relationships in life, but more more unfortunate are those people who get the right people but they lose them because they take them for granted.

I do not care if she regrets this tomorrow, nor do I care what she does with her life to the extend that I do not care if she lives or dies tomorrow (rather I wish she fails in every walk of her life)...because we have had enough of her already.
I am only concerned about him. Is it easy to nurse the wound given by a two year long bad marraige??? Is the divorce thing easy for men!!!...considering that women have more legal rights than men, and also I am not sure to what extend this woman can stoop down to. Will he ever be able to trust another woman??? For him, being a man all of 29 years, is it easy to remarry and settle down again???

Do I sound funny...

Life is like a black man's left ass .
...its not fair and its not right.

Who do you blame for your misery???

Actually, thats quite a shortcut, blaming somebody else for our plight. We spend more time trying to find somebody to blame things on, than trying to find a solution to the problem.
But does that help...wouldn't it help to look within???

I have been blaming too many people in my team for being unprofessional, due to few such people the work pressure has been ever increasing. But the fact is I haven't been working too hard to find a solution to it either. Neither did I give it all to change the attitude of the people around, nor did I try to find a way to escape all of it by finding myself a new job. So, who do I have to blame...nobody but myself.
Introspect always helps...it drives you to find solutions.
But somehow I find this to be a rare practice among others. While I always tend to blame myself for most of my problems, most of the time I come across people who always try to find others to blame.

So how does it feel when somebody holds you responsible for his/her misery...
Fortunately or unfortunately, I wouldn't know...I somehow find no pleasure by being rude, or giving tension to others. So most of the time, I'd take pain myself, just because I don't want to pass it to others. But you know...I have been enough such phases in life where I realized that going out of your way to help others actually doesn't help. Someday, it has to come to an end...and when it does, all the good that you did is conveniently forgotten and people paint you grey and carry back only the bitterness just because you finally decided to prioritize yourself over others.

Whats the point in trying to make me feel guilty...
I would never abandon anybody while they are vulnerable, I would be the first one to offer you my hand during times of misery. Haven't I done that before !!! Now that I have decided to pull my hand back, that's because I am sure you can swim on your own...and also because you must learn to swim on your own to become a skilful swimmer.

Day 20 : Introspect

Its strange how we wait all our life to grow up and come into our own, and when we reach that stage all we want to do is to go back to childhood. We grow up only to realise how things were simpler back then....when life revolved around things like friends, chocolates, playing and sometimes studies. Back then, we would wonder how cool it would be to go to college, to work and to be on your own.

One of biggest thing I craved as a child was to get my independence when I grew up. But we forget that independence comes with a price. There a whole lot of expectations from you. Now little mistakes have huge impacts and never can you get away with mistakes as you made as a kid. We are no longer answerable to just parents and teachers, we are also answerable to our boss at work, and if we are in a relationship we are largely answerable to our partner too. Then you get married and now you are answerable to a whole new set of people, your in-laws.

Life has been a cycle ever since we got married 3 years back. There have been problems, issues ever since. In the last 3 years there has hardly ever been a time when we sat down to think about US, I mean the both of us, what we would like to do or what exactly were OUR problems.
It was always others, my family and his which constantly claimed our attention. I believe the fault lies with US, since the responsibility belongs to the one who takes it. We voluntarily and large heartedly took their problems as ours and eventually lost ourselves within.
Sure its true that you cannot keep everyone happy...

And now, that we somehow managed to put a few things into place, and believed eventually we would be able to sigh peace...another chapter awaits US.

Day 16 : Misplaced Intelligence

Ah I am so heartbroken.

I had reasons to believe that I would put down my papers before I start home on the 21st of this month.
But thats not happening, because I screwed up.
I had this offer from a descent company, though the package was not great but I would sure have loved to be a part of the organization. Even after many negotiations I could not bring them to give me any better pakage. I thought I would probably accept the offer and during my two months of notice period I would try to find a better offer.
But Db encouraged me to take a chance.

I was aware that my rating from the interview panel was quite high. I wrote them a mail stating that I would not be able to accept the offer if they were not willing to increase the pakage. We hoped that would ring a bell for them and they would try to put there best foot forward. It had happened several times in the past and this could have happened again. But it seems it didn't go well with them and the consultant tells me that the offer is withdrawn.
Boo hoo hoo!!!
I guess sometimes we think we are too smart, but people are smarter. I probably shouldn't have tried to use too much of my brains.

But then...lemme look at the better side of it.

I would get to work in the new building of my current employer. We are going to shift there by July and the building seems to be exteremely beautiful.

My salary here is not too bad, and I have managed to build an reputation here...because of which I believe I was given a higher designation during this appraisal cycle.

I can get a car loan from my office, at a nominal interest.

I can finally redeem the money for my french lessons, which otherwise wouldn't have been reimbursed.

I wanna un-know things

Read it somewhere...just tweeking it a little bit to suit myself.

I wish I could unknow things...you like we know things, wish we could unknow them as well. Because when you know things, and finally decide to do something based on your knowings you still cannot go to sleep contended. Because people around you who matter will have opinions, justifications and questions on our actions. These opinions, justifications and questions are all I fear. I fear I am losing respect for people I ought to respect. I fear what if at the end of it, its me who turns out to be wrong.

Museebat padi, toh roya tha,
Jyada mussebat padi, toh chup ho gaya tha,
Bahut zyada museebat padi hai, toh hasta hoon,
Aakhir duniya mein basta hoon

Innovations...phew!!!

More and more meetings to find innovations at work going nowhere.

I think we rae moving too fast. While I feel the team is not ready for innovations, we need improvements here. Improvements, which would eventually build the platform to introduce innovations.

Currently, we pitch in with an overdose of ideas, but we fail to implement them. Very similar to, as they say its easier to achieve success but difficult to maintain it at the top. Other than just one we have failed miserably to implement any of the innovations we started, only because the team is not ready to accept and participate in the changes.

Yes, I believe before we flood ourselfs with innumerous ideas and innovations, lets try to look within ourselves and think...'are we ready???' Instead lets try to make a more committed, sportive and interested team first.

They say the team works the best when the word 'I' is reduced to minimum. I cannot help but take myself as the example of the Frankestine's monster in the team.
When I joined a year back, I was brimming with ideas. I genuinely wanted to make a difference, a motivated team member. I stand here today, a year passed, demotivated so much so that I feel like just a necessary furniture in a house. I do have chances now to take up the changes and start afresh, but I am just not interested anymore.

Why??? Find the answer to this and all your questions are answered.
That would be a good change to start with.

What an end to this year

Cold, cough and fever. What an end to this year...
I haven't been to office ince last two days, and mostly not going tomorrow also. And what the hell...I am al alone at ome watching back to back episodes of CID.
I had such a terrible chest pain today that I almost thought I had an attack.

It all started with my sudden fascination to belly dancing. I downloaded the tutorial videos from youtube and started with the basic stretching exercises. The body pain and the sneezing started almost immediately. The rest of the issues started the next day.

With my vaccation to my hometown Rourkela getting cancelled, and such a deterioting health, it can't get any worse this new year. :{{

It backfired...

Always believed a developer’s job is way tougher than any of the BA's and QA's.
I have been actively involved with testing as well in my previous projects, and I realized the biggest challenge with testing is to try and keep yourself interested. With this, Db has ever been criticizing that I do not respect the job that others do, while only giving credibility to my own job.

I beg to differ. It’s not that I do not give any integrity to testers and BA's, it’s just that I feel their's is a job even I can do, and to some extend I do as well...as a developer we do have a descent domain knowledge and we are involved in testing as well, maybe not as profoundly as the specialized people with the corresponding designations, but certainly if need be, I can with some effort fill in their shoes. But can a BA or a tester do what a developer can...can they solve technical issues or develop modules like us!!!
Yet, particularly in this project, I am amazed to see how BA's and testers behave as our bosses just because one provides us requirements while the other is supposed to review and find faults with what we have developed. They have to be spoonfed with everything from starting their servers, to creating their paths as well as cleaning up old data from their databases. Blasphemous!!!

Yes, I did try to bring about some changes in the team, to be able to change their mindsets and reduce the dependencies on the developers. I was even successful to some extend despite having very limited support from people in the team who were resistant to change. With the inclusion of some more new people, things were fairly smoother.

Yet, I am cribbing.

Because, I find the responsibilities of the change all coming to me while the credit is going to others.I was all game for the inclusion of the TestOlympics in the team. It would help us in the long run to identify more bugs and deliver bug free applications. But because I was game for it, I was assigned the task to prepare the platforms for 6 domains, I even participated in the game to raise bugs and now that we have 52 bugs just by including 30% of the application for the scope of the game, the BA’s happily raised them in the Bug tracking tool and assigned them to me. While the hard work is all mine the credit goes to somebody else.

How can we expect people to be proactive in continous improvement in the team when very obviously one section of the team is clearly overworked than the other, while the other section enjoys the credit for bringing in the change. With what has come out of the recent event, the developers are much more skeptical of trying anything new...at least I am.

Murphy's law it is

If you have four pairs of socks in a drawer, what is the probability to find a correct pair in four picks?
Mathematically, I don't care...but practically its zero. More so, when its early in the morning and you have to catch a bus to office and you are already late....all the four picks are gonna give you a different sock each time.

For the lesser mortal people like us, the only law that works is the Murphy's law.

And the long weekend passed by

Hey good folks of the planet...

That was the long weekend that passed giving way to another long weekend for Diwali...and that's the good part.

This long weekend, most of my early morning sleeping time was mercilessly consumed by my french lessons. French, as I would love to hate it is much more tricky than I thought. While they spell it something, they pronounce it something entirely different. What the Eff!!!
Suddenly all this idea of taking French lessons seems so bad to me. But the sad part is, its a 60 hours session...and only 12 hours is completed by now...and considering the fact that its only on weekends, I almost of 2 more months to go...boo hoo hoo!!!

This weekend we also happened to visit the house of one of my most loyal (and perhaps the only one) reader of my blog. His house which he also happens own by paying a hefty price to a premium builder, was as unkept as a haystack. After we finished cleaning the house it eventually stared looking like sweet home and we throughly enjoyed the home on the 15th floor.
Ah !!! I want my house too ASAP.
Oh didn't I tell you the secret I was keeping was the 2BHK apartment I bought from the Purvankara builders. Its called the Purva Skywood located Off Sarjapur Road. The only catch is, its under construction and would be handed over to us only in 3 years.

The office is hauntingly empty today with most of the junta celebrating Diwali in their natives. The cafeteria is echoing while the restrooms are surprisingly very neat. Looks like the world has come to an end and we are the only lone survivers. And then we have this lousy weather where all I can think of is Mom serving me a hot cup of tea with some yummmm pakodas.
But that is not to be. I am to sit here in my lonesome cubicle and having nothing to do.

My calorie day

Day started well with Db joining the club of people who tell me that I seem to have lost weight.

Coming from Db, it was something to be taken into account seriously, since this is the first time he has said something like this. Cho Chweet...Maar Java Gud Kha ke !!!
So lost I have...I believe it!!!

Hadn't packed my b'fast today, so thought should have the minimum caloried idlis but ended up having a dosa. While returning from the ITPL mall, pictured somebody grabbing a choco frappe and the devil got better on me. Carried a choco frappe to my desk much to the wonder of everbody who had complemented me on looking a few pounds lighter yesterday.
Friday is our official team lunch day...but since quite some months I have been getting my lunch nevertheless. But today was an exception...so I had to join the team despite of my intention to have little or no lunch today. Ended up having Thai noodles...why???because it was cheap...v cheap and I could easily distribute it to others!!!
And then my manager proposed to give us an icecream treat. Ah!!! Perfect timing!!! I tried to convince him to postpone it to next week but it did not work. Disregarding my Brahmin genes which drives us to take poison too if it comes for free,I tried to wriggle out of the icecream parlour...but he coaxed me into it(I feel v strongly that he is quite fond of me). So a hot chocolate fudge it was!!!

I am sorry guys...to everybody who gave me this finally-you-seem-to-be-losing-weight kinda encouraging gestures, it doesn't seem to work...it never has and probably never will.

**Sigh**

Complexed life

I am getting old.
Lets call it experienced or matured to make it sound better, but it eventually means the same thing...I am getting old.
I am going to be thirty in 3 damned years...that's something man!!! Feels like I was seventeen just a couple of years back, how the hell have the 10 years gone by so quickly.

Now its time to make some serious decisions...
serious??? Now all the decisions taken in the last 27 years seems to be cake walk...choosing between buying a skirt or a jeans, candy or icecream, Homework or TV, engineering or medical, serious relationship or crush-n-bounce.
Sounds really petty stuff...right!!!

Now we have big decisions, big...that could change life forever...one mistake and sooooshhh you go!!!

My age, my experience is also going against me at the professional front.
Three years ago, I felt like a insignificant part of a big company, and just the fact I had a job to hold on to, a kind of job people fancy about was good enough to make me happy and content. Despite of the fact that there were many things around me which I would have liked to change, I learnt to accept things the way they were. But this is a strange stage of my life, where I want to take initiative to go and change things around. But as they say, its easy to find a leader and be one too, but its difficult to find the first follower. Probably in a years time I'd turn into a dumb and deaf figure in the balance sheet of my company...and eventually find my solace.

Phew!!! I have become a serial-cribber...don't you think so!!!

Among all this...there's something to go yipeeeeee about.
I think I am losing some weight finally. The long travel to ITPL everyday, the walking I get to do on the way to office and also the ghar ka khana...looks like this combination is working. My jeans got a bit loose (or has the jeans expanded???) and my double chin is almost gone.

okay lemme just say it....yipeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I am getting old

Late twenties...not so bad i guess.
For some people life starts at thirty...but I seem to be getting old.

I remember during my college days, I was often complemented on my good skin. One pipmle and it showed off as a flashy torch light...and everybody seemed come come and ask 'Hai Hai!!! Tereko pimple ho gaya ???'.

But I feel my skin is starting to rot now.
Time to fight the seven signs of agening...darkess, patchy skin and blah blah !!!

But no Olay for me puhleese, last time I spent 600 bucks on the creme last time and ended up using it for foot massage. It left my face with a string of spots.

Mera TV kharab ho gaya

My TV isn't working. This is the same TV that I had got 4 years back with my hard earned money, giving my blood, sweat and tears. How proud I felt when I could buy one with my own money. But the same souvenir of my independence and self sufficiency has finally dumped me.

The initial signs were showing up when Db was in Australia last month. It would suddenly go all dumb, and showed only pictures and played no sound...but then, like a mischevious kid I would hit it once hard on its head and it would come to its senses. The symptoms went serious when even the slap on the head stopped working and you needed to reboot the TV to get its audio working.

But since last night that has stopped working too.

Db is a happy man now since he hates TV and the small and old portable TV in the bedroom or youtube easily provides him the news and stock updates.

I can manage for a while with the portable TV or by playing the sound on the portable TV and watching the pictures in the drawing room TV (The TV in the bedroom is smaller and of not that great picture quality...and yes I am that desperate), but I need a replacement for the drawing room TV ASAP.

A Thought

A bug a day, keeps the build away.

:(

It is my fault...it has to be.

I hate girls with their typical tantrums. I hate to keep waiting while the girl in question finishes her make up, I hate when people are not punctual and keep others waiting irresponsibly. And the worst part, the disgust shows up on my face. Also, I feel I become good friends with my team and soon people start taking me for granted.

Yes, I am cribbing. After a wonderful day at wonderla with my new team which otherwise is a quite fun group. Just that, a certain group of people with whom I have been close to in this team are probably a little upset with me, also upsetting me equally at the same time. I thought they were being unreasonable and the feeling was mutual.
I think quite some of it was my fault, because I was impatient despite of the fact that its high time I should accept that thats how most girls are, and if I need their company for some reason I have to learn to put up with it. As for the other side, I am amazed at the confidence people have, by being vocal and so in-the-face on things which they quite don't even understand. I wish there was a corporate training on how to talk to people and specially team members.

I have a problem...in all cases I normally find the fault with myself. My dissatisfaction is due to my impatience, its due to the fact that I let myself loose to people I probably should have been more professional with. Its late now but I guess I can still make amends. This was the last day I have let myself go, I gotta gear up and start keeping a distance.