Times have changed, So have I...

On our way back from the Bangalore International Airport earlier this week, we happened to share our taxi with a girl. She was a trainee at Microsoft, headed towards her office at 9.30 pm of that Monday evening. She kinda changed my perspective towards the kids of this generation...who I hitherto believed were reckless, confused and with a devil-may-care kinda attitude written all over their faces. She was someone who takes life so seriously, may be a little more than required...she was so grounded, so real...in short so me.

Memories...I am so amazed by their capability of popping out of no where and take you back...back by may be 7 years(Hell!!! Am I really that old now !!!), when I believed I knew life so well. I believed I knew what I was doing, I believed I could make things happen, give my life whatever direction I wished.

Given a chance, I would like to meet the old me, and could give her a lesson or two on how to relax and let things take their own course. Worrying about them doesn't solve your problems. And yes, I must ask her to make some boyfriends ;)

PS : I am gonna pretend I didn't write the last line if Db happens to read this (which he certainly would)

Assumptions

The post is triggered by a random discussion with the BA (Business Analyst) on the bullet point in the functional spec which said 'Assumptions'. The points under this heading seemed outrageous to me...
'We cannot assume such things'
'Yes we can', he argued. 'To anything we can't find logic to, we assume them'

As much as this was a HAIN!!!!! moment for me, but yes I do certainly agree to his definition of assumption...at least with respect to life.

As a kid and a teenager I had my own set of weird assumptions, things I look back and go 'Me..Really!!!'. Things which had no logic, no prior experience to infer such, but yet strongly believed and adhered to. Lemme list down a few :

1. Any guy driving a bullet is essentially a Gunda. But the vice versa is not true, all Gundas do not have bullets, even the scooter, luna or even bicycle driving ones can be equally menacing. You can't afford to be either friends nor enemies with them...so just smile and wave girls!!!

2. All guys who are dark (not wheatish...dark) are smokers.

3. Any guy who is a good dancer is a flirt. So you know not to get ideas when he tries to strike a conversation with you or wants to have a dance with you. On the contrary, guys with two left feet are the ones you should target...they are the ones with a heart of gold.

4. Only the village belles pleat their hair, the smarters would rather keep their hair loose no matter how untidy they look.

5. People who say 'Yes' are villagers, who say 'Ya' are wannabes and the ones who say 'Yeah' are the ones who have completed the evolution cycle to smartness.

6. Its fashionable to announce 'Shit!!! I didn't study a thing' before the exams, 'Oh it went horrible !!!' post-exam and declare a 'I donno what he was smoking while correcting my papers !!!' when the results are out and you pass.

And the final one...this one while I was a tod :

7. Its not we that grow up, its the clothes that shrink in size. So you gotta store your favorite dresses carefully, when they become too small, you can make your dolls wear them.

As simple or as complex as you please...

At the wrong side of twenties, I look back to recall the various problem sets that I came across at various age brackets. And I remember playing the Agony Aunt to all these problems.

I must admit I have had a pretty uncomplicated life, the reason being that I always wanted it that way. I believe I am a very uncomplicated person myself and so are my circumstances and my decisons. So the problems I had to face were mostly things I never had control on...monetary problems, joblessness and a brief heart break(for which I had nobody else but myself to blame...and I accept it with humility).

Disclaimer : I admit I am looking at just one side of the coin, probably the men or the MIL's on the other end have a different version of the story. I am just talking about the problems I have seen around at various phases of life.

During school, I have seen my friends sulk over the classmates/seniors/neighbors they had a crush on...which influenced by the then Bawllywood would magnify into love triangles, quadrangles or polygons. On one such occasion, I remember a friend who was crying her lungs out, since she was supposedly sacrificing her love for her best friend who seemed to have a crush on the same guy...all the while the guy in question was unaware of the feelings of both the ladies. Seems so childish to me now...that I was actually consoling and applauding her for her selflessness!!!
Yes, even I had a crush on several males, including a senior who was a ditto copy of Akshay Kumar...just a tad shorter and a few shades darker may be. My longest crush lasted almost a year on the most intelligent and sharpest guy in my class (intelligence has always appealed me). I remember I used to keep track of his tuition timings and I would stand and wait at the backgate of my house only to watch him pass the main road while going to the tuition classes. But I was always aware that I was never serious about any of these guys and would sooner or later find someone else whom I would find more interesting and the current ones would become history soon. So life was much simpler.

During the late teens, I found myself at the ladies hostel....
The set of problems had gone a tad level higher when the girls were more confident now than at school, and also had a good amount of male attention. This was the time when most of my friends got hooked and then was the time when there were typical teenage and relationship problems on how she expected more male attention that she was already getting, how the boyfriend was being insensitive, or how he wasn't giving enough/expensive gifts unlike the boyfriend of the roommate, on how he forgot her birthday or how they keep arguing on everything under the sun and more blah blah blah.
Me...!!! No boyfriend no problems. Only crushes which would bounce soon.
My problems were mostly monetary when I would have to borrow old books from library because I couldn't buy them, or had to do petty stuff like distributing pamphlets at malls to raise money (though I enjoyed them too) or spend long hours at the computer labs for my projects since we couldn't afford a PC at home. It pisses me off when youngsters with a high end laptop, bikes and mobiles complain about their misery because they don't have a levis jeans. Phew!!! I don't have one till date.

Soon I landed myself in Kolkata with my first job. Now the problems took a more serious angle...how the boyfriend couldn't get himself a job because of the backs he couldn't clear due to the time he wasted with her, how he has changed because he doesn't get her a rose everyday like he used to earlier (What the eff!!!), how her parents are against marrying him because he is from another caste/religion, how he isn't settled (read rich) enough to get married to while she is getting better proposals, how she believes her family culture is different to his and she believes she cannot adjust...
Well...this was the time I started going around with one my family friend, who was a US return, dollar earning, football playing chora. All was well until his mother intervened and wanted to get him married to a more sober village belle who would stay as a housewife, and like an obedient son he said 'Okay Mamma' and got married the girl he hardly knew, within a month after we broke up. My mistake, trusted the wrong guy who didn't have a vertebral column and got myself in a soup.

And then marriage happened and Db happened.
Now I have friends who have more serious problems that makes life miserable. How the MIL is a rude lady, how staying with in laws doesn't give any privacy, how the MIL's are controlling the husband like a remote control, how the husband is a 'Mamma's boy' who still can't let go of his mother's pallu, how the husband doesn't save a penny and spends all the residual money on his parents every month, how despite of having a love marriage love has flown out of the window, how coming from a nuclear family she feels all suffocated in a joint family, how balancing the personal and professional life is getting difficult but she can't quit her job because they need the money that comes from it.
As for me, yes marriage was a bit tough. Day one I woke up to responsibilities. I have always taken pride of the fact that I have never been dependent on anybody, nobody except my parents (and the DB's friend who helped Bhai when he was going through his worst crisis ever) can standup and say that I owe something to them and I would like it to remain the same till I live. But on the other hand, being the youngest in the family even I hadn't taken any responsibility myself. So phat gayee!!! But I believe it's not something I can't deal with or lemme put it another way, I think I can deal with anything that comes my way. **collars up**

But I have met another set of people who have no significant problems to talk about. They are from stinkingly rich families, have a great job, have married the man of their dreams, have accommodating in laws and leading a very easy and comfortable life. So having nothing better to do, they end up creating problems for themselves. How??? Buy a lavish house while you don't need one and start complaining how the monthly EMI's are a pain in the a** and how the in laws are so mean that they won't help pay up the money. Come'on now!!!

I remember something very valuable learnt in the simpler past. That everything is as simple as you please. Even the present.
Now, its for you to figure out what you please.

Sleeping like a log

I am writing this blog because I have nothing better to do and internet is free at office.
This is an incident 6 years and 15 kgs ago...

A typical winter mid-night at hostel, we are all draped in our warm blankets/rajai's and snoring away to glory. Suddenly I felt something near my feet, may be I thought it was a pile of clothes or something, so I just kicked it to push it out of my lazy sleep. What ever it was, it fell on the snoring Lil's face with a thumppppp...and hell broke loose.
Ah...what a noisy dream, why is everybody shouting in my dream!!!?

Lil has a very vunerable sleep, she wakes up even when I turn a page of my book and yells at me...'can't you turn pages quietly???' and I go '@##$%^&^'. She can be quite troublesome if you disturb her sleep, so we normally maintain decorom while she is sleeping. And on that fateful night when something thumped right on her face, she woke up screaming so loudly, she could have brought the hostel ceiling down. My other roomie Supi woke up too. They rushed to swith the lights on...it was a CAT, an UGLY BLACK CAT !!! Now the combined effect 'Mile Sur Mera Tumhara' and they kept screaming incesantly while jumping on their respective beds, so much to bring the girls from the adjacent room to ours.
A bunch of five girls trying to drive the cat out, jumping screaming and giggling all the way at midnight...takes half an hour to succeed.

And it was revenge time, Lil turned to me and I let loose a lazy snore. Enough to get her into one of her ugly moods, she pulled me, brought me to sit on my bed and everybody gave me a piece of their mind venting out their frustration on me for being woken up from their sleep. And when everybody left I went back to what I had been doing best...snoring.

I woke up a little not-too-fresh in the morning. I had had a bad noisy dream last night. I woke up Lil lest she misses the college bus. While we got ready I asked her the question of the century...
'Oye...Kal raat kkoi aaya tha kya??' (Did somebody come into the room last night ???)

I am getting old

Late twenties...not so bad i guess.
For some people life starts at thirty...but I seem to be getting old.

I remember during my college days, I was often complemented on my good skin. One pipmle and it showed off as a flashy torch light...and everybody seemed come come and ask 'Hai Hai!!! Tereko pimple ho gaya ???'.

But I feel my skin is starting to rot now.
Time to fight the seven signs of agening...darkess, patchy skin and blah blah !!!

But no Olay for me puhleese, last time I spent 600 bucks on the creme last time and ended up using it for foot massage. It left my face with a string of spots.

To Bhai - On Raksha bandhan

Okay now...this is not the pic of me and Bhai (we are far more cuter....teheeehee), but the idea of putting anything else sounded too cheesy to me.
But the story comes from when we were as small and cute(may be more) as the ones in the pic. I was this innocent younger sister and you were the Kamina walla wada Bhai...you listening Bhai!!!

I would tie a Rakhi to your little wrist and you would hand me the 5 or 10 rupees that Dad gave you for the occasion, while Mom watched and smiled at her sweet duo. And as soon as she left, you would hit me hard and take the money back from me and also take 2 rupees extra as the interest for keeping the money for so long.

I am sorry my Rakhi hasn't reached you this season, I hope it reaches by today evening. But if it doesn't don't get mad at me...consider it to be my revenge for one of the above mentioned occasions. And also to get even with you each time you missed to protect me from Db, when he forcefully switched the TV off finally at 2 O' Clock in the night, or when he refused to buy me one more Tee after I had already bought 5, or when he shouted at me for not taking bath on weekends, or when I refused to take medicines or see a doctor even when I'd be terribly unwell.
I hate you both for that...from the core of my heart. **wink**

I know you have been through a lot this year and earlier too. But now that you are at your road to revival, I wish you get more happiness than you can handle from now on.

Besh Wishes on Raksha Bandhan
From you innocent little sister on her way to ultimate kameenapan.

And this is our pic...you'd agree were cuter. Don't go by his innocent looks...that was just for the camera.

The Groom Hunt V

Now THIS is the one which worked as the final nail in the coffin.

As I was given to believe, THIS alliance was kept on hold for almost 4 years...i.e. even when I hadn't finished my education. My parents kept avoiding them since they believed I was not ready for marraige, and when they did get interested, the guy was in the US.
I had already met his parents, younger brother, Mamaji, Mamiiji, Nanaji and Naniji. And now that he was back in India, our parents wanted us to meet. Despite of the fact that he was in Bangalore for a couple of days to meet his younger brother who worked here, he didn't come to see me. This was because his parents wanted us to meet in the presence of his family. Weird as it sounds, I had to agree since my parents were quite keen on this alliance.
I had a war of words with my manager to get my leaves approved, so as to make it to Rourkela to meet him.

And finally he came to meet me, again with his parents, younger brother, Mamaji, Mamiiji, Nanaji and Naniji. But the meeting was not half as weird as I had anticipated.

My Father was strictly against the idea of me wearing a saree and carrying a snacks tray to the guy's family. So I was in my room sitting on my computer playinh PCMan when S enterted to meet me accompanied by his Mamiiji (I wondered why they couldn't leave us alone, as if I would bite him). S was smiling and was quite pleasant, he asked me to finish my game, he was not in a hurry...I paused the game nevertheless.
But he was more pleasant than I had thought.
Suddenly all my anger for being called to Rourkela to just meet a guy whom I could have easily met in Bangalore, for which I even had to fight with my manager, was fast vanishing. Looked like it was worth it. I liked the interest he showed in my job and discussed about his own. He was joking on how people think he had a lot of savings since he frequently visits the US, but in reality he spent more abroad and had hardly anything to be remotely called as savings. We spoke about Mumbai, Bangalore, US, his job, mine, our weekend activities, java and business. Not a bit of arrogance, not a bit of ego...or so I thought.

I was impressed to say the least. But as they say, people have many faces.

We kept waiting for their reply for almost a week. And finally when my father called, S's Mum said that they were fine with the alliance but he wanted to meet a few more girls since it seems I was the first girl he had met. I thought that was fair enough though, but I believe his parents were kinda forcing him into it. But eventually they agreed and set up a date for the engagement. I kept waiting for S to call me or mail me but it didn't happen. I was told that his family had also started shopping for the engagement, buying me jwelleries and stuff. But I couldn't get married to him just like that. I had a break up a couple of months ago and I would want my would be husband to know about it, there were a a lot of things we need to discuss which would couldn't have in our first meeting and while his Mamiiji was around...but he never called.
I raised a concern to my parents, but my Father believed that its the sign of a no-nonsense kinda guy...what the hell !!! Nobodody spoke to me...not him, not his parents.

With more updates being fed to me about the arrangements being made for the engagement day, I was getting desperate with each passing day. Its like marrying a complete stranger...I couldn't do that. I asked my Mum to get his number from his parents...but she thought it would be outrageous. There was nothing that i could do.
Bhai came yo my rescue when he said that he hadn't met the guy to whom his sister is getting engaged to, so he wanted to speak to S over the phone. My Mum called up S's Mom to get his number, to which his Mum said that S is not willing to speak to us. It seems he had mentioned that he didn't wish to speak to anybody in my family before the wedding. Since my Mum insisted, she said she would check with her son and let us know.
I could now smell a terribly smelling fish...and so did my Mum.

When she gave the no. of S and a suitable time to call him (as if he were Shahrukh Khan), my Mum took it on her to call him before Bhai does. S spoke to my Mum in his usual pleasant way, but soon after they hung up, his Mum called up accusing us of tricking them to get S's no. and warned us never to call S again. My Mum was agast but decided to stay calm till my Dad returns home. When Dad got to know, he was furious. He immediately called off the engagement making it clear to their family that he doesn't wish to push his only daughter into a well.
They later came back to make amends but my Dad found it difficult to trust them again.

I had had enough by then and asked Mum to leave me alone for a while. Meeting another guy was the last I could ask for.

The Groom Hunt Part IV

And you thought the series was over !!!
Well...continuing....

If all this makes you feel that I had a very stringent criteria for the men, that ain't true. All I wanted is somebody who is sensible and would have no problems with me continuing with my job. But I had no idea that it was such a difficult combination to find.

With the kind of values I was brought up with, the fact that my father brought me up at par with my brother and I have always been treated equally with men was not helping much. Also my paycheck being heavier than that of most men that I met was also not helping, a convent educated Oriya girl who wants to work post marriage was a no-no for most Oriya men. Also my ever increasing weight...these things matter in the arranged market dukaan you see. Though I hold no malice for people who rejected me for being overweight, good for them because ever since the graph has only gone upwards...so anybody who would have married me hoping I could turn slimmer would have been terribly disappointed.
And the irony is, despite of the fact that most guys I met seemed samples to me, I rejected none of them. All of them either rejected me or had me as a backup plan.

I met K through a college friend, K was his lead in his project. K was interested in me when he saw my picture in my friend's album, but initially I wasn't too interested since he was absolutely bald. Later, after a few months, after getting to know a few more things about him, I approached my friend saying I was interested. We chatted a couple of times, and I found him pretty interersting. He was coming down to Bangalore to meet his friends, and we thought we could meet up as well...it was going somewhere. But the very day he was flying to Bangalore, I found out that he was the classmate of my ex, and actually they were pretty good friends.
Complications was the last thing I wanted in my relationship, so I had to call this off. Guilty as charged, I will forever be under the guilt of the wrongdoing. Worse, I couldn't even tell him the reason why I was calling this off...for a stupid ego trip that I didn't want him to know I was earlier dumped by his friend and nor did I wanted my ex to know I was contemplating marraige with his friend.
Anyhow, the loss was mine...he was a great guy.

I met another guy at the Bhubaneswar airport; his father was way smarter than the guy in question. His father was also pretty keen on the alliance.
After the meeting, his father called up mine to say he kinda liked me a lot but it seems his son finds me too smart for his taste...because I turned up in jeans to meet him and not saree or a salwaar kameez at least. Though I like his honesty, at least he didn't site petty excuses like she isn't fair or tall enough or overweight.

But certainly this arranged marriage business was getting more difficult and humiliating.

Luggage...I hate it !!!

When I was single, travelling home was not a teary affair for me unlike my other friends.

They would start preparing a month earlier by buying stuff for their family, piling them on the bed and not bothering to pack them into suitcases until the day of the journey comes...and the final result would be two pregnant looking suitcases for which hiring one coolie would look inhuman. On the contrary, I has something which looked like a schoolbag which I carried home. For a one week vaccation, It would have 3-4 T-shirts, my lens kit and may be a facewash, and some snack if I am being too generous. My roomies would look shocked each time(probably carrying more luggage than you need is a girly thing) and made sure they ask their parents to add to my luggage. So most of the time, my return trips were over burdened, my own luggage being just one fourth of the total luggage I'd be carrying.My worst ever experience was when one of my friend's Dad wanted me to carry a Rajai for his daughter to Bangalore. I showed him the size of my bag and he gave me this strange expression and offered me to give a bag too. But somehow I managed to wriggle out of carrying the Rajai.

The bottom line is I have always hated to carry luggage, I feel a huge luggage spoils the journey, half with the effort it takes to carry them and other half by worrying about it on the way.

But post marriage, the tables turned. Now each time I go to my in-laws place, I need on suitcase only for myself while Db has to make his own arrangements in another bag. For a one week vaccation, I need to carry five salwaar kammezes, a couple of sarees, bangles, gifts for the family and a teeny weeny makeup kit. Though my luggage is still far from looking like the pregnant bags of my friends, but they are still enough to irritate me.

Now this is a very novel feeling to me.
We are going for a week long holiday to Goa this week (yipeeeeeee!!!!). Thats one place I have always wanted to go. Also this is our first vaccation in 2.5 years of our marraige, I wouldn't call the Delhi trip as a holiday. I started my packing yesterday, and I have already packed eight Tees, two shorts,two slacks and two skirts and the bag is already half full while I still have a plenty of things to pack the essentials, the toileteries, my swim wear, my jeans, camera and need to leave some space for the shopping in Goa too.
Never felt so full.

BTW, we are staying in Goa for a whole 5 days and would be staying at the Holiday Inn. Howzzat!!!

The journey...

Last saturday at the wonderla, one of my collegues mentioned that he believed girls fights is far more serious than the guys fight. Well I do agree to that, the intensity of fight for girls might be a multiple degrees less than that of men nor do most of us indulge in the maa-behen walli galian, but while the guys can be friends again the next day, women can never do that. The remnants of the fight always remains in their memory. It takes a lot of time to heal up and they might or might not be friends ever again.

I have a guest at home since last friday...this is the a girl from my engineering college, who was from another hostel. But strangely she is the same girl who apparently hated me then. She would never let go of a chance to put me down, she had snapped on me on several occasions for no reason. Most of my friends also hated her since she had as reputation of taking panga with me. I maintained a safe distance from her since I am quite incapable of getting into a word fights with people.
Hate is a very strong word, but I think I was almost there. I almost hated her too.

We were different in more ways than one. She was the topper of our branch and knew only one thing to do...study and study harder. And I was a free spirit, I had lot of friends, I took part active participation in the fest each year and also in intercollege dance competitions and mostly won them too...while I also managed to score a percentage which was only 3-4% less than her. I believe she hated me because she actually wanted to be me but couldn't, since she couldn't get her books outta her head.
But at the end of the final year, she had a job and I didn't.
While I was terribly frustrated, she surprised me by coming to me, and for the first time in last 4 years she was kind to me...for reasons I couldn't fathom excatly the same way I couldn't understand her hatred for me. She encouraged me and said I would certainly land up a better job than others, since she believed I deserved it.
"Are you alright !!!" is all I could say then.
She smiled and left.
I smiled at her too...and that's the last memory I have of her.

I met her a few months back in ITPL. Being grown ups and professionals now, we spoke gracefully and also exchanged numbers. Last week she called me, she was going through some crisis and wanted a temporary accomodation for a couple of weeks. She asked me and I readily agreed since I was also put up alone...and here we are staying under the same roof since last 3 days.
Last evening we went for a short shopping, halted at the coffee day for a hot cup, went for a late night drive and muched on a road side chicken roll...later I clicked a few matrimony pics of her and we spent the rest of the evening trying to make necessary corrections and highlighting the pics on picasa. We shared a lot of experiences, cooked and laughed together.
I wonder if she is the same girl who I thought hated me so much, the same girl I wouldn't look eye to eye.

Lastly, last night she mentioned.
'I wasted 4 years of college only studying yaa'r. The marks don't really matter, nor do we need what you studied during engineering anywhere in the kind of job that we do. I wish I'd have enjoyed a bit of my life at college. I must say, you made the most of your time at college'
Me : Sigh !!!...' No, I hope I had studied a little more !!!'
And we laughed over it.

Its strange how women behave, oh-so-unpredictable, oh-so-complicated. May be this how God made women, we probably at times don't even understand ourselves.

The Substitute

As kids, during such rainy evenings, Mum used to make hot pakoras with a cup of hot tea for us while we chilled ourselves at the balcony. The thought of it makes me nostalgic. Every single evening that it has rained here at Bangalore I have remembered my pakoras and tea. Tea is something that I still managed to get at office, but what about pakoras!!!

I have finally got my chance.

A cup of hot tea with Mc Chicken Nuggets on a rainy evening...NOT BAD!!!

The Groom Hunt Part III

The worst part of being a girl is you get easily emotional blackmailed into things. I wanted to take up the offer for a long term at London, but I was coaxed to get married ASAP. Every weekend I saw myself with one more of a kind across the table. So much so that I had almost learnt to sleepwalk through them.

Suitor : I saw your pic, I must say you are not photogenic at all.
Me : Thanks (I saw your pic too, must say you are way too photogenic) **animated smile**

What the hell am I doing here??? I could have been in London now earning convinient pounds and getting richer, or could have persued my MBA degree which I always wanted to do.
What is my future ahead...is one of these guys going to be my husband. If this is the quality of men that the Oriya Brahmin community produces (...there is something seriously wrong in our genes then), I'd rather turn into a nun.

Suitor : I must say you have a very interesting job profile. Great work. You even seem to earn as little more than me.
Me : Yeah, I switched my job recently so got a good hike.
Suitor : Great. Whether you work or not after the wedding...gimme sometime, I'll decide and tell you.
Me : (YOU decide on whether I work or not...KUTTE KAMINE HARAMKHOR @@%&!*!@#%)

Next.

Suitor : Are you ready for an arranged marraige?
Me : I guess yes (Why the hell do you think I am here then)
Suitor : You know, I feel no marraige can work without love. You need to fall in love first.
Me : So what are you doing in arranged marriage pool?
Suitor : Trying to find true love may be.
Me : (Yeah right!!!)
Suitor : You look absolutely my kind yaar. Lets try to fall in love.
Me : (Haila !!!!!!!!!!!!!) And how do you propose we do that? More so when I meet a new guy almost every weekend.
Suitor : I propose you stop that right away and lets see if we can fall in love. You know, we go out, buy gifts for each other, fall in love and then get married.
Me : (and not sing songs in chiffon sarees!!!???...Mummyyyyyyy)
I wanted to shake him...what are you??? straight out of some Yash Chopra movie????)

You meet all kinds of people here.
One thing I was hoping I would learn from all this was patience, and how to take nonsense from people and not get up to pull their noses to howling points.

The Groom Hunt Part II

Okay so lemme continue from my previous post...

This is the first ever guy that I met for marriage…and coincidently he worked in the same office building with me in the same company, Cognizant in Kolkata. The only difference was I was hardly a year old in the IT industry and he was a Senior Manager on the 6th floor of my building.
His father had called me up once to find my floor and project as well as cubicle no. so that he could fix our meeting. But to my horror, the second time he called he told me that his son actually came to my floor and saw me, and left…and he was kind enough to have liked me they wanted to take it forward. ‘So I don’t get to see him is it???’I asked. To which he said that his son keeps really busy to have time to meet me that’s why he chose to come to my floor and just have a look at me and leave...but don’t worry we’ll send a picture to you.

‘You got to be kidding me!!!’…I yelled at my Mom. ‘I don’t get to see this guy and the guy choose me by just taking a trip around my cubicle…on what basis??? This is not happening!!!’
And so he called the next week.
Suitor : So when do you wanna meet?
Me : You tell me
Suitor : Look I really don't have time for this, I keep really very busy all day. I will call you when I am free you could meet me in the cafeteria for a few minutes.
Me : Sure (I am assumed to to free, since I only hatch eggs in my cubicle all day)
So, finally he calls at 6.30 to fix the meeting at 7 in the evening.

I reached 5 minutes early and he arrived 15 minutes late. As I saw him enter, I had my doubts if he actually is a Senior Manager. He was my height 5.4", half my size...too thin, and looked like a college drop out. I made a mental note to go back and check on the Outlook if he actually is a Senior Manager, which later I found he indeed was.
Suitor : Hi...I have a meeting in 10 minutes, a discussion the appraisals for the team. I excused myself saying that I have a cousin waiting for me at the reception. So you see we have just 10 minutes.
Me : Oh Okay. Lets keep this for another day in that case.
Suitor : No No. Lets just get this over with...its always equally busy day for me.
Me : (okay get me over with...compliments me too well. You got to show you are busy to prove your seniority, particularly to your would be...err...might be wife)
Suitor : You know this meeting was not important. My parents like you, that’s all that matters. But I believe you insisted to meet me...so what do you want to know?
Me : (I want to know which way is the exit) That’s okay. I guess its time for your meeting. We’ll talk sometime when you are free enough. Thanks for your time.

And I called my Mom right then telling her I would rather jump into a well than marrying this moron.


Now this one is special, since this is the first one I met in Bangalore and the first one I met soon after my breakup. We would kinda observe his orkut account regularly and used to address him as 'Tusky' among our group. I hadn't got a chance to speak to him, but I spoke to a lady over the phone a couple of times who claimed to be his cousin sister. She had fixed our meeting on the next weekend at Pizza Hut in the forum mall.
As I entered Pizza Hut, I couldn't find a table with just one guy or one with a guy and a lady, I could only find groups sitting around. And suddenly a lady, who seemed to be in her late twenties approached me and introduced herself as his cousin who had been calling me all this while. She led me to a table, where to my horror, I could see six people including her. Of the five men seated there, I couldn't recognize who was 'Tusky', I guess the photo he had on Orkut was a quite old one.
I was introduced to them, turned out that the lady I had been speaking to was not 'Tusky's' cousin, she was his classmate from college. Of the five men one of them was her husband, 2 were 'Tusky's' college friends, one was his roommate and the last one was 'Tusky' himself. I was hoping they would leave soon, since this crowd was making me uncomfortable, but they all stayed on till the length of the meeting. I was alone on my Morcha, while the other side were a battalion of people and just the thought of being judged by so many people who had no business being here was bothering me. They started shooting questions at me, I was getting a faint impression that they had actually come prepared for the meeting, since each one of them had average 15-20 questions to ask me spanning from my carrer to my culinary skills and my family to my pets.
I contemplated to excuse myself and flee, but the Pizza arrived just then and I wondered what harm would it be if I stayed a few more minutes and finished my share. 'Tusky', I must say was very energy efficient, he didn't speak a single word through out the meeting and used all his conserved energy only to tear the pizza to his mouth. All through the meeting he was just smiling, having pizza and yes he did pay the bill.

While decided to leave when 'Tusky' joined me till the forum main door. This is the first time he spoke in one hour,
Tusky : Well...it was nice meeting you. But I will like to meet you again...sometime next week???
Me : Ahem!!! I work most of the weekends.
Tusky : Really!!! Whenever you are free, you could gimme a call, we can meet. Would you like to keep my number?
Me : Err..okay
He gave me his number, I saved it on my mobile.
Tusky : Can I drop you home?
Me : No, I'll be fine...thanks. (That was sweet)

As we said good bye and I turned my back to him, I opened the contact on my phone. I had saved it with his fully qualified name this time and not just 'Tusky'.
I read his name to myself, low self confidence, insensible guy...who didn't think that bringing 5 of his friends on the first meeting when the girl is coming alone is not just unnecessary and ill-mannered but outright rude too.
I pressed the delete option on the contact.
'Delete Contact?' Yes/No.
I looked back, I saw him walk back towards the Pizza Hut. He had a moustache too. 
eeks!!!!...I pressed 'Yes'.
'Contact Deleted'

The Groom Hunt Part I

They say empty mind is devil's workshop. My mind has turned into a workshop, though I guess not that of a devil.
I reach home by 6 in the evening, I have the entire evening to myself. I have so much running on my mind...i feel like painting but I don't, I feel like blogging and I do it sometimes, I feel like watching a movie and I do sometimes too. But something I always wanted to write about.

I wanted to write about experience while groom hunting, for me as well as my friends...which started with being funny, to tedious and finally humiliating. Lets call them all Suitors.
Lets start with the initial ones which were amusing.

Though not the fist guy that I met, but certainly one of the most memorable one. This one had a an Engg and MBA degree and had come down from the US to meet not just me, many girls. We met at Baskin Robbins in Kormangala.

Suitor : So what would you like to have?
Me : Something in chocolate flavour.
Suitor : Have you tried Banana Split?
Me : No. But I don't like banana and mango flavour.
Suitor : But you should tried the banana flavour here...its amazing.
Me : I hate the flavour itself
Suitor : Just try it once.
Me : No I am gonna waste it I know. I'll like to have chocolate flavour.
Suitor : Okay
And he returns with two banana splits
Suitor : (Looks super excited) Try it!!!
Some part of me wanted to get up to smash the banana icecream on his long nose. How pushy!!!
Me : (With a forced smile, I just a minuscule of it) Its terrible.
Suitor : (Surprised like he just saw pigs fly) Oh!!! You didn't like it!
Me : No (Nor did I like you) **animated smile**


The next one was in late twenties, also working in the US who came down to meet me at Bangalore. He had called me once from US and I was pretty much okay with him, except that he was good 7 years elder to me. We met at the Coffee Day in Kormangala.
After some casual conversation...

Me : So what are your expectations from your wife?
Suitor : My Mom and my sister are a little to the rude side. They kinda speak their mind however rude it is. I don't expect my wife to be the same.
Me : Oh! (Thanks for telling me what I was getting into). You are quite settled, why do you choose to marry so late? .
Suitor : I am not a virgin some women have a problem with that.
Me : (????? Ouch!!! appreciate your honesty...but too direct for a first meeting)
Suitor : Are you like...you know!!!
Me : What!!!
Suitor : You know
Me : Err....does that matter???
Suitor : No I guess
Me : ( Bhago!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I guess the guy wasn't interested in me and was trying too hard too shoo me off.
Well...more coming up in the blogs to come...I have all the time on earth now.

Some old memories that I still visualize - I

A real long post on a few gems that I can clearly visualize from my past.

A real long post with a few censored stuff.

Sexy Sexy Sexy mujhe log bolen. It was sometime during my class 7th or 8th when this legendary song was released, which went into troubled waters due to the repeated usage of the word sexy. They later replaced the word with Baby which they believed was more milder.

During those days, we had just one smartie in our group...Lekha.

During the biology class I whispered to her

Me : Why did they ban the song?

Lekha : Because it had the word sexy in it. Its not a nice word you know.

Me : Why!!! What does it mean?

Lekha : You donno??? Sexy means somebody who shows off her sex.

Well!! Given today, I believe that was a very straightforward and smart definition of sexy that she gave. But back then my grey cells were underdeveloped.

Me : So, whats wrong in it. We wear skirts to show that we are females and the boys wear pants to show that they are males. So that makes us all sexy right!!!

She didn't reply anything, but somehow I vividly remember the expression on her face, half disbelief, half confused, half oh-you-dumbass and half well-you-have-a-point look on her face. PRICELESS!!!

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My maths sir at school was not very fond of me. I was a 80 percent scorer in all my subjects, except maths, wherein I always scored less than 60. I went on to believe that I am weak in maths, and decided to take tuitions from the sir who taught us Physics at school. When my tuition sir reviewed my maths terminal answer sheets, he found that I should have at least got 70. It turned out that the maths sir was liberal with marks for people who took tuitions from him, while he would treat the rest with an iron hand. When I confronted him, saying I deserved more marks, he shouted at me humiliating me infront of the whole class.

The next terminal,which was the last terminal of my 10th std, I failed maths with 38 marks.

I again showed my paper to my tuition sir, who believed i should have got at least 6o something in this paper. But I was scared to confront him. So my tuition sir decided to confront him all by himself.

I am not aware what happened that day. The next day was our last day at school, we had a 15 day holiday after which we had our ICSE board exams. My tuition sir called me to the staff room, he pulled out a notebook from my bag. On one of the pages, he wrote a 90 on it and put his signatures below. He gave the notebook to me and said, don't show me your face if you cant pull off more than this in the board exam. He left.

I scored a 92 in maths in the board exams which was the second highest in my school. And yes, I did show my face to him.

I still have the notebook with me, one of whose pages says a 90, signed by Mishra sir below it.

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During my hostel days, somebody would steal away our undergarments from the rope on the rooftop. Never did we hear a case when dupattas, jeans, t-shirts, handkerchiefs or skirts were stolen, it was just undergarments. Later we found out that the guys that stayed around our hostel (our hostel was inside the city) used to climb up to the roof top and steal away things.

During one of the late night gossips in our room,

Me : What kind of chindichors steal undergarments man!!! I mean at least steal better things to gift your girlfriends, what sense does it make to give them used underwear!!!

Others in the room : ROFL

Well!!! Now I know why guys would steal female undergarments.

While the Search is on...

Without getting into the name of the company, which might or might not land me in trouble, I will come straight to the happenings of the day.

Last Saturday, I went for an interview to Whitfield, which, I was told a scheduled one. But when I reached there on the scheduled time, there were quite some people waiting for their turn for the online test. I was kept waiting for almost 3 hours, while people who came after me finished and left as well. Despite my repeated reminders to acknowledge my presence, nothing really happened. At the end of three hours I left a message on the desk for the HR and left.

Now, two days back, I get a call from the Senior HR of the company, apologizing for the inconvenience and asking me to come for the interview on the coming weekend. It didn't match since I had already committed to other interviews on weekend and Whitefield is too far to go on a weekday and come to office after that. They were willing o send me a cab to pick me up from my doorstep and then drop me back to my office after the procedure was done. I wondered what I had done to deserve this (may be the message I left with the receptionist didn't go well with the HRs) , but I accepted the offer. My only concern was what if I flunk in the first round itself and they believe I am an empty vessel which sounds too much. The harm could be many degrees ranging from losing my face, being blacklisted from their company for ever to confiscate the cab and send me back on my own, while I wasn't sure of my way back nor the conveyance.

I woke up at 6.30 this morning for the cab, I reached the Salarpuria Tech park before 8. It felt great, some hundred acres of land, with buildings each one better than the other, huge lawns, broad roads without a speck of dust anywhere, a lone coffee day standing in the middle of the road...looked like I had left civilization far behind. Not that I have never been to a tech park, but never so early. They look awesome early in the morning, quiet and serene. The HR hadn't arrived by then...so waited till 8.30.The online test went till 9.30 and as I feared, I flunked. There were quite some questions on EJB, which is not my forte...but without any unconvincing excuses, let me just face it...I flunked.
Lost my face, yes. Blacklisted from the company for life, I donno. But they certainly didn't confiscate the cab. I called the driver, he said he would take a few moments to come down since he went home. I decided to wait, any way it was too early for office, I had to reach only by 11.30. I looked around, and boiled down to the coffee day on the middle of the road.

I halted there for a corn-spinach sandwich and a Masala tea. While he prepared the same, I took a seat and looked around.
The weather was just perfect, to sit in an open air coffee day , it was cool and windy, I put on my jacket. People had started coming now, young girls, who were probably late because of the time they took to decide what they'd wear, were running to reach before their managers. Young men, walking lazily, I couldn't decide if they were sleeping while walking or walking while sleeping, they needed a coffee urgently. Older men, some in suits and tie, walking in a group were probably saving time by having the meetings on the way.
I felt the vacuum in our lifes...
When I was young my Dad said, work hard for your 10th grades and get into a good college, life is easy after that,nobody studies in college. When I was in college, he said, work hard to get an engineering seat in a good college, life is cake walk after that,nobody studies in college. When in engineering college, he said, work hard for your engineering percentage, land up in a good job, life is easy after that(Now I know, how smart he was, and how he manages his huge team in the plant he works in). I am still waiting for that easy life. I am, touchwood, doing quite well in this rat race, but life still isn't half as easy. Then, the board exams were my biggest concerns, looked like an herculean job to me...now its something else, and tomorrow it would be again something new. It never stops. I feel the urge to ask my Dad, when would I finally get the time to be relaxed, but I know even he doesn't have the answer. He is gonna retire in a year's time, and he still hasn't found his peace.
I believe, this is how God makes his presence felt to us. I am not a believer nor am I an atheist. I believe in a superpower but do not believe in tradition, religion and rituals. But, there is certainly somebody, something out there who balances my life and yours. I look at Bhai's plight today and I am positive his ordeal is gonna end soon, because I believe he has learnt the lesson God wanted to teach him.

It had started drizzling then, my tea was over and the thoughts going round my mind were exhausted. I called the cab driver, he said he's stuck in a jam and would take another fifteen minutes. I pulled out the book in my bag, Chetan Bhagat's: 2 states. It started good, dragged in between but now it was getting interesting.

In a few minutes the cab was there. I boarded the cab which dropped me till the office gate. I thanked the driver and approached the gate. I held my access card in my hand while I looked at the old building...I wondered if Akbar would have walled up Anarkali in this building. The campus if any, was occupied with the vehicles that came along the employees. I felt like I have landed from the US straight into Jhumri Talaiya.
As I entered, the security guard stops me with an open palm.
'Maa'm you are breaking policies, please wear the access card round your neck before we raise a security incident against you.'

Sigh!!!...Welcome to reality!!!

A Weird Dream

I had a weird dream last night.
I wasn't keeping very well when I crashed on my bed, and instead of sleeping like a log, which I usually do, I kept waking up each half an hour (when I would cough), giving way to a new weird dream one after another. But I generally tend to forget my dreams as soon as I wake up, so I remember just one, which I narrated to Db as soon as I got up.

I saw myself and Db sipping coffee at our balcony, and I noticed this friend of mine on the apartment rooftop. This friend was Mani, a guy who I was friends with during my school days and I am not in touch with him since last 10 years or so, he happens to be in my Orkut friends list but, mostly idle and I have no clues where he is and whats up with him...so in short I am darned surprised what was he doing in my dream.
Okay...back to my dream. I saw him on the rooftop with a girl dancing to the tunes of Ek aankh marron to (the famous number with Jeetendra and Sridevi from the movie Tohfa). BTW did I ever tell you that for a really long time, till my second year in college, I believed that couples actually dance on their dates as shown in our Bollywood movies. So that was excatly what he was doing...dancing with his girl on a date.

Me : Kya Mani, Dance maar raha hai???
Mani : Yep. Ladki ke liye kya kya karna padta hai...
Me : So, is that your gf or your wife??? (I have no idea if he has either)
Mani : Wife hai yaar!!!
Me :Oh great!!! Why don't you guys come over for a cup of coffee
Mani : No yaar we'll have it at home.

And he disappears with his wife.
I open my main door to see them entering their house, which happens to be just infront of mine. I call him again
Me : Sure you don't wanna come down for coffee.
Mani : No yaar!!! Don't bother. We'll make it here.
Me : Sure!!!
Mani: Yep.

And I shut my door.
Soon, my call bell buzzes. I open the door to Mani.
Mani : Hey...would you mind borrowing me some sugar?
Me : Oh not a problem.
I take his bowl and move towards my kitchen. Then realization strikes, and move back to the door.
Me : Fuck the sugar. Come and have coffee with us...
Mani tries to move his head in negation.
Me : No arguments.
Mani : Okay then, I 'll just be back.

He disappears again to return with his wife and two cups.
Me : Now what's that for???
Mani : I thought you wouldn't have extra cups.
Me : (Insult!!!) By chance you know, I do. So just come on in.

He follows me to the kitchen...and here's the shock. The kitchen floor and walls are full of dead cockroaches. The corpses are sticking on to the walls, floor and the windows...lakhs and lakhs of them (I swear on God, I do not have so many cockroaches in my house). I find the last night's remaining curry on the gas stove, which I forgot to keep in the fridge. The cockroach corpse queue seems to have originated from there.
Mani is scandalized.

Mani : Now what's that???
Me : Donno. Looks like they tasted the last night's curry.
Mani : !!^&@*!& I want no coffee!!!
Me : Okay...how about the sugar???
But he had already disappeared with his wife.
Now, that's about it.

It was 9 in the morning now, and Db and myself were getting ready for office. I was starting early today since I planned to see a doctor. So Db went to the kitchen to prepare tea while I was getting ready.
Db : Hey...looks like you forgot to keep the last night's remaining curry into the fridge. It still lying on the gas.
I rushed to the kitchen...looked around the walls and floor. So sign of cockroaches, dead or alive.
I gave a sigh of relief.

Success And Failure

While searching for a number from my phone today, I came across this number of a school friend sleeping idle in my contact list. She is old friend of mine, and a very good friend she was.
She stayed in the same colony, her gate just infront of mine...and we were class mates at school. We were both from middle class families, but hers was a little poorer than ours I believe, due to her mother's illness. I would share my books with her, so that she wouldn't have to buy them...I would give her my notes since she wouldn't have time to make any due to her household responsibilities, we would help each other in every possible way...and that made us very thick friends. I was a better scorer among the two, but she wasn't too far behind...and somehow that didn't matter to both of us.

The trouble in paradise came when we both passed out from school. I kept moving steadily towards my goals and she got left behind due to her family responsibilities. I wouldn't also blame her family for everything, since they made sure she got the best school and tutions, but may be she herself lost her focus...I donno. Eventually I landed up for engineering and she went for a normal graduation, since her ranks were not good enough in the engineering entrance. That pushed her down her edge of jealousy(I guess) and she made it very clear to me, and eventually stopped speaking to me after that. Soon we moved to another house far from hers...I tried to make it up with her before I leave, but she wouldn't speak to me.

During my holidays, when I came home, I came across that she has been spreading horrible things about me among our school friends. When we met during the school get together, she tried speaking to me...but I gave her a piece of my mind. I told her, I wouldn't like to speak to her since she is not the friend anymore whom I loved and cherished. She stood speechless while I left.
I never heard from her after that...

I came across her again though common friends on Orkut a few months back. She didn't send me a friend's request nor did I send her one. But from friends, I got to know that her father is retired now, and both her parents are not keeping well, her brothers are now late 30's but not married, she is now working as a nursery school teacher at Rourkela and not married yet(she was two years elder to me though we were in the same class), since she didn't want to get married till one of her brother's get married and get somebody to take care of her parents. I saw her pics on Orkut, she looks terribly frustrated, lost a lot of weight and her face also looks tired and drained out.
I felt as bad for her as then when we were at school. I felt like time as gone back to those days, when she would cry in front of me for her mother's illness or her brother's callousness...and I wished she did the same now and I could help her the same way I did earlier.

I arranged for her mobile number from a friend...but never called her. Many a times, I contemplated calling her, but discarded the idea...what if my genuine words of concern sound sarcastic to her, what if instead of helping her I make her feel more terrible,what if the fact that I am more successful than her reminds her of her failures.
I decided to keep track of her from friends, and make sure I call her once she is settled, or doing better than now...but soon enough I got busy with my life and lost track of her again.

Now I am not sure, if what I had heard true or not, whether she really was spreading things about me...I regret I didn't give her a chance to defend herself...may be it was wrong on my part to go and blast on her without getting to know her side of the story. May be even I was feeling superior at that point of time because I was doing better than her.
I see her number in my phone directory now, I think its time I call her. But I am still fighting the thought.

Back from Delhi

I am back from Delhi since last night.
We started from Delhi around 9 in the night, when we were still sweating in the heat, and 3 hours later when we landed at Bangalore International airport, it felt like we were back from hell, to land in heaven. I wonder why people like to stay in Delhi, considering that it's awfully hot, everything is just too far and pollution is horrible.

Well...to start with good news, I did a lot of shopping and more so since most of things I got, I got them dirt cheap. I got my hands on some awesome parathas...and the best part, I got to meet Db's college friends, which was FUN...and also I was able to address some of the issues that I had gone to help out for.

And...some bad ones.

I had this friend of mine from school. She would tell me that friends who would say only things that I would like to hear are not true. She would correct me when I was wrong, tell me things that she wouldn't like about me and things she would believe that I was doing wrong. And I believe that makes your relationship stronger and more dependable.
But I witnessed it myself that people only want those kind of relationships in their life who tell them things which are music to their ears. The moment you say things which doesn't sound flattering, they turn you into villains instantly.
I wonder these people who are educated, so-called civilized, wear such designer clothes, work in huge offices, are in fact so cheap within. They could talk high about table manners while dining at the most expensive restaurant in the city, but back home they are such cheap filthy people who are worse than the house maid that works for a menial wage.
Yes, it was someone in my family, whom I intended to help sail through turbulent times, but she was adverse to any kinda criticism, and wished to hear it wasn't her fault at all. And here I return with my own hands burnt in the fire I wished to put out...and a relationship lost.

Also,
Youngsters, these days...irresponsible is the word that comes to my mind.
There are temptations at all ages, at all times. We had our share of temptations during our graduation days as well. But I think youngsters were more responsible then...or lemme say...there were more youngsters who were responsible then, a number which has reduced drastically over the years.
My gang at college was richi-rich. People who had a lot of money to spare on worldly pleasures, an option I never had since my Dad is just a government employee. I would get 1500 rs a month, and made it a point to never ask for more. I would target to save at least 150-200 rs every month so that by the end of a few months I could buy nice T-shirts to match my other friends.
Yes, there were other easy options. A convent educated girl from Rourkela has plenty of options in college. People would race to make her their girlfriend, since she is a feather in their cap. It wasn't a big deal. And then, all your expenses are taken care of...and there were people who would do it for the easy life that it brings along.
But on the flip side, I knew the kind of money, effort and sacrifices that my family was going through, to have me get the degree at the end of four years, I knew the consequences of being caught since my Dad was a pretty well-known person in Bhubaneswar, I had an idea of the kind of complications that this relationship would bring on me and my family later...and I went on to become one of the very few people who passed out from college with pretty decent marks + a job + single status - complications + proud parents...a great combination I must say.
But this is a very selfish and irresponsible generation...and I am really disappointed with all the youngsters that I have come across.
Decieving parents for just like that, irresponsible to the core where money is concerned, giving absolutely no value to the trust that parents place on them, lying on the drop of a hat...I am terribly disappointed.

When asked, Db's friend Nehru said that he prefers getting a pet dog than raising kids, at least he wouldn't bring as many problems along. Well!!! I am giving it a thought, I already have a handful.

Prelude to my thoughts before I start for Delhi

I am early to office today. Not because I didn't have much to do at home or more to do at office. I came early because I am leaving early today for the flight to Delhi this evening.

Now, there is this is a weird feeling...
May be it's because its a long time since I have been ever early to office...
Or may be since I am traveling after a really long time, other than my parents or in-laws place...
Or may be because I am excited about Delhi, or may be I am not...I am not sure what am I gonna do or say there that would help someway.
I feel like this damsel in distress who is too weak to change things...and I hate to be so.

As a kid I believed that my Dad had a magic wand. He was able to handle the toughest situations in the most graceful way. Things which would look so very impossible to us, just when we would lose hope and give up on it, he would get it done. I didn't know this word then...JUGAD, but back then I thought he had a magic wand which he would use to solve all problems. (But he is getting old now, or may be the power of the magic wand has fallen short to the rising inflation...his magic though still working would not be able to hold too long.)

Obviously I wanted my husband to be the same...dependable.
But when I actually started looking out for prospective grooms, somewhere I missed this criterion. It was my mistake...I would compare every guy with my EX, a superfit football player, with a great dressing sense and lot of Dollars...but he was not dependable, of course. Well!!! I was quite young then to realize that...and I believe things are much rosy the first time.
But that I realize now that everything else aside, if your man isn't dependable, your life gets hell. It's very important that your man stands by you when you need him the most. And my life is easier because I have just the man I need. I wouldn't have been able to go through this if Db hadn't been understanding enough.

I had this friend of mine, who believed that it takes as less as a day for a person to change.
'People change like this' she would snap her fingers...

I did never find it true...I never changed in the last 26 years. Yes, I wish today some people would change...and some never do. And the second one is Db.