This weekend is getting boring...

While I am down with a sore throat, this long weekend is not going half as good as planned. Yesterday I couldn't even manage to step out of house. Planning to go out in sometime to buy a pair of shoes for Db...which he can't do without anymore. Also planning to go out to check out the Dusherra celebration in and around Kormanagala.
Among all this, one good news that the weekend got me was a bright ray of hope that came from my Delhi trip...hope things start rolling soon.

The Delhi aftermath

I have a sore throat ever since I came back from Delhi...and running a fever since last two days.
Yesterday I reached office and left in half an hour since I couldn't stand the AC. A day's rest can do wonders to you. The fever is mostly gone but my throat continues the harassment.

We spent almost a good 30K on the trip...but the kinda experience I got from it is worth millions.

I am happy I got to see the real persona of people which they hide under their designer clothes, make up or the constant 'hey' 'oops' 'yeah' and 'man'. Within they are people who can stoop so low that leave you with a gaping mouth. Ever since our return Db is full of appreciations for me, believing that he is lucky to have me...but of course.

I am disappointed to see this generation being so irresponsible and callous towards their carrier and family. Also I must say they are way smarter than what we were at their age. They lie with such a straight face, have no signs of regret whatsoever. I wonder what makes them such, since I believe all generations have their share of temptations. May be easy access to things (bikes, mobiles, internet, laptops), may be the feeling that everything will be taken care of, or the Oh-I-am-so-cool attitude, or mere overconfidence. I donno.

I do not have a problem with the choices they make in life, since I have always believed that they are all adults and smart enough to make their decisions, but they should also have the guts to face the consequences...which they clearly don't have.

I am so awfully disappointed.
Yes!!! its now that I eventually realize that I am way more matured than any of those people who I thought were. I look at them and feel proud of what I was then and what I am now.

Back from Delhi

I am back from Delhi since last night.
We started from Delhi around 9 in the night, when we were still sweating in the heat, and 3 hours later when we landed at Bangalore International airport, it felt like we were back from hell, to land in heaven. I wonder why people like to stay in Delhi, considering that it's awfully hot, everything is just too far and pollution is horrible.

Well...to start with good news, I did a lot of shopping and more so since most of things I got, I got them dirt cheap. I got my hands on some awesome parathas...and the best part, I got to meet Db's college friends, which was FUN...and also I was able to address some of the issues that I had gone to help out for.

And...some bad ones.

I had this friend of mine from school. She would tell me that friends who would say only things that I would like to hear are not true. She would correct me when I was wrong, tell me things that she wouldn't like about me and things she would believe that I was doing wrong. And I believe that makes your relationship stronger and more dependable.
But I witnessed it myself that people only want those kind of relationships in their life who tell them things which are music to their ears. The moment you say things which doesn't sound flattering, they turn you into villains instantly.
I wonder these people who are educated, so-called civilized, wear such designer clothes, work in huge offices, are in fact so cheap within. They could talk high about table manners while dining at the most expensive restaurant in the city, but back home they are such cheap filthy people who are worse than the house maid that works for a menial wage.
Yes, it was someone in my family, whom I intended to help sail through turbulent times, but she was adverse to any kinda criticism, and wished to hear it wasn't her fault at all. And here I return with my own hands burnt in the fire I wished to put out...and a relationship lost.

Also,
Youngsters, these days...irresponsible is the word that comes to my mind.
There are temptations at all ages, at all times. We had our share of temptations during our graduation days as well. But I think youngsters were more responsible then...or lemme say...there were more youngsters who were responsible then, a number which has reduced drastically over the years.
My gang at college was richi-rich. People who had a lot of money to spare on worldly pleasures, an option I never had since my Dad is just a government employee. I would get 1500 rs a month, and made it a point to never ask for more. I would target to save at least 150-200 rs every month so that by the end of a few months I could buy nice T-shirts to match my other friends.
Yes, there were other easy options. A convent educated girl from Rourkela has plenty of options in college. People would race to make her their girlfriend, since she is a feather in their cap. It wasn't a big deal. And then, all your expenses are taken care of...and there were people who would do it for the easy life that it brings along.
But on the flip side, I knew the kind of money, effort and sacrifices that my family was going through, to have me get the degree at the end of four years, I knew the consequences of being caught since my Dad was a pretty well-known person in Bhubaneswar, I had an idea of the kind of complications that this relationship would bring on me and my family later...and I went on to become one of the very few people who passed out from college with pretty decent marks + a job + single status - complications + proud parents...a great combination I must say.
But this is a very selfish and irresponsible generation...and I am really disappointed with all the youngsters that I have come across.
Decieving parents for just like that, irresponsible to the core where money is concerned, giving absolutely no value to the trust that parents place on them, lying on the drop of a hat...I am terribly disappointed.

When asked, Db's friend Nehru said that he prefers getting a pet dog than raising kids, at least he wouldn't bring as many problems along. Well!!! I am giving it a thought, I already have a handful.

Prelude to my thoughts before I start for Delhi

I am early to office today. Not because I didn't have much to do at home or more to do at office. I came early because I am leaving early today for the flight to Delhi this evening.

Now, there is this is a weird feeling...
May be it's because its a long time since I have been ever early to office...
Or may be since I am traveling after a really long time, other than my parents or in-laws place...
Or may be because I am excited about Delhi, or may be I am not...I am not sure what am I gonna do or say there that would help someway.
I feel like this damsel in distress who is too weak to change things...and I hate to be so.

As a kid I believed that my Dad had a magic wand. He was able to handle the toughest situations in the most graceful way. Things which would look so very impossible to us, just when we would lose hope and give up on it, he would get it done. I didn't know this word then...JUGAD, but back then I thought he had a magic wand which he would use to solve all problems. (But he is getting old now, or may be the power of the magic wand has fallen short to the rising inflation...his magic though still working would not be able to hold too long.)

Obviously I wanted my husband to be the same...dependable.
But when I actually started looking out for prospective grooms, somewhere I missed this criterion. It was my mistake...I would compare every guy with my EX, a superfit football player, with a great dressing sense and lot of Dollars...but he was not dependable, of course. Well!!! I was quite young then to realize that...and I believe things are much rosy the first time.
But that I realize now that everything else aside, if your man isn't dependable, your life gets hell. It's very important that your man stands by you when you need him the most. And my life is easier because I have just the man I need. I wouldn't have been able to go through this if Db hadn't been understanding enough.

I had this friend of mine, who believed that it takes as less as a day for a person to change.
'People change like this' she would snap her fingers...

I did never find it true...I never changed in the last 26 years. Yes, I wish today some people would change...and some never do. And the second one is Db.

Missed on my CHOTA FHORTCUT

To quote Shahid Kapoor in Kaminey
"There are just two ways to success...FHORTCUT and CHOTA FHORTCUT"
I missed on my CHOTA FHORTCUT this weekend.

My frustration with my current employer is a known fact to my readers (anybody there btw???). But I wasn't ready for a change yet, it needs a lot of preparation before I actually jump to the pool. But I chanced on this requirement on Accent(Times Of India) for a walk-in for HP. I might give it a try I thought.But I wasn't ready. So be it...lets just find out where I stand.
Last Saturday, just when I was about to start, Db gave me this wonderful news that this drive was actually only for women who had 4-8 years of experience. Bingo!!! that's my CHOTA FHORTCUT. Since I believe women between 4-8 years of experience would be quite less in number, most of them looking for jobs after a break due to marriage or kids, mostly Aunties. So I stand a good chance since there would be hardly a 100 people. Ah!!! I wish I was a little prepared...but still there is a fairly good chance.

And I was right. There were maximum 70-80 people who turned up, most of them were Aunties who wanted to resume their careers after a break.
I had reached there by 10 am, but I was kept waiting till almost 3pm...while people who came after me had already finished and left. After continuous inquiry, it turned out that they had lost my resume.
Finally, my turn came around 3, after I gave them another copy of my resume. My tech round was quite good. I wonder, if I am actually good at my concepts or like the lucky JAMAL in Slumdog Millionaire, I was destined to be asked only those questions for whom I knew the answers...except one. For that one question caused all the unpleasant trouble. The interviewer was one lady (who had enough facial hair to be called a man, and looking at her face actually distracted me), she asked me to write a program. I used a logic which she wasn't expecting, I tried convincing her that it would give the same result and she looked convinced...at least that what I thought.
I was selected in the Tech round, and proceeded for the Managerial round...which again went very well and I was passed on to the HR for the rest of the formalities. By the time it was 5.30 pm, and I was the only person left. The HR lady approached me, and we started the discussion, if I was ready to relocate to Chennai and my current package etc. It was unbelievable, I could resign on the next Monday...I had already started to imagine my manager's expression when I would tell him that I quit. Yeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Just then a man approached us, to say that he had some technical questions for me. But I already finished that round, but he insisted on one. And before I could even understand what was going on, the HR was gone and he was seated across the table taking another technical interview.
My mind went numb...so am I not resigning this Monday!!! He asked me a few questions and I could realize that I was too tired to think. He asked me to explain the same program which I had written for the other lady...he said the results would be the same but the performance would be bad...Ohh!!!...so I might have to bear my manager for some while now. He looked angry for some reason, he was hell bent to prove I wasn't good enough. I answered most of his questions, but each time he gave me the expression like he was sitting next to an idiot of the first order. What is he so mad about???...I still donno.

It was over...he asked me to leave.

I knew this was not right. It was less of a technical test and more of stress test. If I wasn't good enough they could have rejected me in the 1st round itself...or are the interviewers not good enough to judge people. Who makes them sit in the panel if they can't judge if the candidate is good. I wanted to turn back and give a piece of my mind to the HR, I had nothing to lose...but I felt tired and humiliated.
It was like smelling me the chocolate and taking it back.
This was my CHOTA FHORTCUT, and I just missed it by a thin line.
I wish I would have said "No...I donno how to do it" for that piece of code. I knew I would still have been selected, the rest of the interview was good. If not I wouldn't hurt so much, since I knew I wasn't prepared.

No worries...I know I am good at my work and there are sure better places to work, and bigger problems in life to worry about.
Like my Delhi trip this weekend, which is neither for MY business nor pleasure. Its more to try to straighten things for people who are family and who refuse to help themselves and have become the cause of worries for the rest of the family.
God help me help them...Amen to that.

Ah!!! Problems...do they have a tail???

The Tide

I am on a lot of caffeine now, empty stomach, a severe headache, with some moronic stuff to be completed while all I want to do now is to slip off home.
FUCK IT... I'M FRUSTRATED AND I REALLY NEED TO PUSH THOUGHT IT!!!

There is an underlying truth to frustration...there is something that seems wrong...something that you are driven nuts about because it is NOT happening, or IS happening...and you can do nothing about it while you can't also bear the pain of being a silent spectator and watch while the drama unfolds itself.

Why is it so difficult for some people to accept their failures gracefully? Why is ego so important? Why is it so important to be like somebody else? Why can't people look within themselves to find the happiness that they are actually looking for from other people?
Why is changing oneself so difficult? Are we locked into our persona...so much so that we can never break free from it and change ourselves.
Can we not realize that the glorified picture we have of ourselves is not correct, and instead of waiting around for things to change, we change nothing, that's foolish.

I am helpless, feeling like a loser that I can't help my own people, people who are all I have. I clearly see what's going wrong and who's going wrong...but I can hardly do anything about it. People who I love, who I care for, are in so much pain...it hurts. And I am not helping, I can''t.

Awhhh!!!...Honestly, it's one of those days that I could just scream...

My colleague was complaining me today that she has spotted this new guy in our team staring at her boobs. Needless to say she was very irritated with this regular practice of his, so much so that she now avoids meeting him and discuss work with him.

Accepted that men are programmed that way...but there has to be some decency at office.
Now, I remember the bollywood movies in the 80's would have the heroines with huge boobs and God knows what made them think that they ought to look conical in shape (and don't get me started of the kind of dresses that would had the boobs in a different and darker shade). Basically those are the kind of boobs that catch attention.
But this colleague of mine who is hardly 5 feet tall and looks more like a school girl who has lost her way and landed up at a office, and hardly any noticeable assets is quite not something to be stared at...unless the guy has challenged himself to check out her assets to find if she has any at all!!! Okay that was a PJ...at least that's what she told when I said the same thing to her.

Ok now...don't feel bad...I tell her. If you really wanna do something about it, stare at his crotch whenever he stares at your boobs (at least we used to do the same when at college...but well yes...office is different), still worse...raise an incident with the HR. And if nothing else we will screw up his appraisal for this.