FEELING SICK AND GUILTY

A grew up hating doctors. Somehow I feel, doctors and hospital make me more sick, I feel they are gonna screw up my immune system.

I have this cold and cough, which is like an accepted companion for life now, I have learned to live with it over time. Nothing new for me this time as well, my most loyal companion has come to visit me yet again. I tried to hush it up with a few cough syrups, but it still managed to come back to me over and over again. But it has been more painful than ever before. Why is what I fail to understand. I have had this problem since ages, never had I been so sick or been taking so many leaves from office. I recall, with my previous employer, once I had met with a serious accident where I hurt my kneecap, I was limping to my office even on weekends…I got an infected eye due to my lenses, I was wearing my thick glasses to office, working with my eyes just a few inches from the screen, since I couldn’t see effectively through the glasses…I still cooked my own food in my flat…managed to go places for grocery and other chores all on my own. So what makes it different this time? I haven’t been cooking since last two days, Db picked me from office last night, and I don’t remember the last week when I worked for 5 days in office.

If Db is to be believed, he says, he’s seen many of his teammates (females) started applying for more sick leaves after they got married. But why. Is it because you get somebody to pamper you…!!! And I have a more comfortable team this time, so I can afford to get relaxed. I guess these are the reasons.

But also, I have a feeling that I haven’t been performing well at office this quarter. Somehow I sense I am the weakest link in my project, due to my performance and due to the fact that I have been taking so many leaves recently. They gave me a rating of four for my confirmation and the hike of a dream, but sure they expected more outta me, which clearly I didn’t meet. I make silly mistakes at work, I mean real silly ones, can’t focus on one thing, and I feel as if everybody around me realizes it too. What hurts me most is the fact that I am not inevitable for this project, while wherever I worked before, I was inevitable for the team. You know, it could also be me and just me thinking that way, since I tend to be a very unconfident individual myself…may be my team doesn’t think so. But so be it, when I feel that I am not worth the ratings I received from this team, I feel sick. I have even considered asking for a release from this project, but somehow I feel that urge to fight back. I try to pick up the toughest work of the assigned ones, but somehow I fall flat most of the time, since I am not able to focus.

I want to come back, gain faith on myself and my capabilities, and prove myself all over again, not to others, to myself primarily. But if I can’t in a few months, I will certainly ask for a release from this project, or look for another job where I can start afresh. I can’t stay here anymore with the feeling that I didn’t deserve what they gave me.

UPDATE 24th November:
I have been diagonalized with Bronchitis. So all that feeling of being sick all these days wasn’t a just a feeling in that case.
I was feeling guilty all the way since I had to take Friday off from office, but now, here I am, on leave on the Monday also, and may be on Tuesday and Wednesday too. I need to visit the hospital twice a day for the Nebulization. So you see, I am quite incapable of joining office. But the guilt factor is growing bigger, I am not capable of delivering what I am expected to. Sigh!!!
I need to try harder and give my best when I join office later this week.

RE-LIVE YOUR LIFE

Some one once told me that wish we had an edit button to life…we could have edited the things that happened which we didn’t like, only preserved things that delight us.

What would you do if you get a chance to relive your life…would you like to it to be the same or would you like add some difference to it.
Let me list out ten things, given a chance, I would have changed:

• I would certainly take up dancing and painting lessons.

• I would spend more time with my parents. I was always selfish to choose to be with my friends, when I should have been with them.

• I would be more fun loving and extrovert at college (parties, discos, boys...I hardly made to any of these) .

• I would do an MBA.

• I would choose the people (read friends) I hang around with more carefully.

• I would be with more men, so that I would get to know the species better (my gang was mostly...all girls) .

• I wouldn’t come to Bangalore (oh…then how could have I found Db then!!! well then…let me rephrase it. I wouldn’t have come to Bangalore for the reasons I did).

• I would work on my confidence, so that I can face life with more of the same.

• I would learn the art of saying NO to people. Something I am still learning… never say YES when you want to say NO.

• I would learn to judge people and their intentions and not to trust them blindly. I then wouldn’t have made a fool of myself. Again something I am still learning.

On the other hand, I don’t really wish to change anything. Since it would also take away what I learnt from my mistakes. I still want to meet the wrong people, so that when I meet the right ones, I’d appreciate them.
Hmm…confused me…ARGH!!!GEMINIS…

Let me hear your list…

Oops I did it again!!!

Yes, I was again offered a chance to move to onsite, but (again), I refused. I can’t you see, just leave everything and off for a year…not possible. I am sure I am soon gonna create a record on my misses, but hey no regrets…I have better things in life to care for.

But then…what’s this!!!

The person who is being sent on my behalf, he asked me to help him fill up his L1 Blanket documents. And here I go…I am jealous...jealous for something which was offered to me first, which I gracefully declined. So, ideally I am not supposed to complain. But here I am, too much human, I want everything…

Sigh!!!

If I could change things...

I am worried for my friend.

She’s been my best buddy since, what, almost ten years.

I remember, the first day at college, the eleventh standard that is. I got through this school, which was supposed to be the best school then, all crème students of the city were part of the school.

Before you start flattering me, as to how bright I was to have made it to this school, I must tell you that it was not my fault at all, the selection panel is to be blamed. I, on the contrary was a round faced, overweighed, unconfident creature, with heavy black glasses and oiled hair, riding on a blue Atlas Goldline Super. Not many were interested in making friendship with me, due to my uninviting personality…I mean not even the girls, forget the men.

I don’t exactly remember how we met, but I do remember that she was the only one I found myself comfortable with…and till date we make the best of friends. She has been there with me thick and thin, though I can’t bet on if I reciprocated the same, I had always been the selfish one. A wonderful person, a great listener, very humble and a go getter. I am completely in awe of her.

Never did I ever think that I would suspect her decisions. I don’t want her to hurt herself. How wish I could help her see some reason. But I can’t, I know.

The most experienced and composed people tend to turn into mere fools. Love actually makes you do strange things; you tend to do things which OTHERWISE you wouldn’t have…because at times like this, you tend to see the world with colored glasses, conveniently ignoring the harsh realities that lie beneath. And when the realities come out in the open to challenge you, the world comes crashing down on you… and all you are left wondering, is how you could have been such a fool. The loss is too much to handle, you lose your innocence, your confidence, the ability to trust people…and all you get is the ghost of the past haunting you all the time.

I wish I could save her from this, since I already see the future which she can’t. I will be happy if she proves me wrong, and see her living happily, and proud of her decisions.

As they say, if you make mistakes in life, God also makes sure you have the capability to bear the consequences. But wish I could change things...

Neverthess, I hope, I am there for her when she needs me.

ONE DAY AT COFFEE DAY...

Yes and I am little too polite (friendly may be) to the waiters at the restaurants I visit…and sometimes it backfires.

There is a COFFEE DAY quite close to my house (within a kilometer diameter is considered to be near in Bangalore). So we happen to visit it quite sometimes. One fine day, when I and Db had been there for breakfast, as we were fighting over the menu, I noticed the waiter smiling at us. I wondered if he understood Oriya, but then we just let that pass.

Many a times, I visit the place on my way back from office, to grab a quick sandwich if I missed my evening snacks at office. One such day, I went in. I was greeted by the same waiter…

Good Evening maa’m…he smiled.

I smiled back

Good evening. Could you please pack me a Chicken Tikka Sandwich. Quick Please.

Sure…Au kichi maa’m.(anything else maa’m)

I impulsively raised an eyebrow and smiled at him

Na..setiki ( No that should be fine)

I left with my parcel. I could hear him say…

Sabdhan re jibe maa’m (please drive carefully maa’m)

I was really touched by his gesture. It sure feels good to find a fellow Oriya in Bangalore…and more so when we acknowledge each other.

Last night I happened to go there again. I was greeted by another waiter, though I could find the Oriya guy at the cashier counter. I ordered my usual sandwich, and sat down on the couch with a coffee to kill time. Soon same Oriya guy arrived with my sandwich and the bill.

So how was the diwali maa’m. he smiled at me.

It was good.

So maa’m, what do you do here?

I work.

Where???

IT. What else do Oriya people do here in Bangalore!!!
Suddenly I realized that most of the security guards, watchmen and cooks were also Oriya in Bangalore. But I was sure I didn’t look like one of them.

Married...he inquired.

Yes…my voice had a tinge of skepticism.

Well maa’m, which place from Orissa do you belong?

Rourkela. And where are you from?

Cuttack. Hmm…Rourkela. My girlfriend got married there.
I raised an eyebrow. I didn’t expect him to give me his love details to someone who is almost a stranger. But visibly he misinterpreted my reaction.

No no maa’m. I have no contacts with her anymore…he cleared (As if I was bothered…huh!!!). Last time I went back to my village, she came with her son. That’s when I met her. I am married now, I have two kids…my daughter is 6 years old and my son is 2. So you see, we are both happywith our lives.

Yeah. I started looking at my watch.

I have been across almost the entire west Orissa, worked in almost all kind of restaurants (I was wondering by any chance he believes that people working in IT can refer waiters at restaurants). But then my parents and my brother shifted to Bangalore, so I thought what would I do alone in Orissa, so I joined them too here.

My smile was fast vanishing now.

Oh maa’m. the guy who joins you here often, he must be your husband right!!!

(What the fuck!!!) Yeah. I gotta leave now. Thanks.

Sure maa’m.

I rushed towards the door.

Sabdhan re jibe maa’m (Please drive carefully maa’m).

I went towards my bike without looking back.

I have always been polite to people of the lower grade. That’s because I believe, that makes them happy, feel individual and acknowledged. The lady who cleans the rest room in my office, the security guard who checks me when I enter the office gate, the helper at the coffee machine, the laundry guy for our apartment, my house maid, I always exchange a “hello…how are you” with them. And it makes me feel good since I do consider life is gonna be terrible without them.

But, this time it was like…

बच्चा समझ के गोद में उठा लीया तो कान में सुसु कर दीया