Hope: To be or not to be...

Hope, I am not sure its such a god thing in my case.
whenever I have hoped for the best, it hasn't happened. It happens when I have lost hope or just managed to stay detached. But I am human after all, how can I manage to stay detached of something that I have worked so hard for.

I am losing my hope, but I am not sure why.
If there was hope the first time, there is no reason why the same hope shouldn't be there the second time around. Nothing has changed. Just because it did't work the first time around, its not that would not work the second time.
Now see, that's what I am talking about.
I am so conflicted. I feel hopeless, but somewhere down there I have faith. I am not sure if this is a good thing.

I have had such an uncomplicated life so far. Nothing has ever come easy to me. I worked my ass off, and after a good struggle I got what i wanted.
But this time its different, I have been working on it since 4 years and nothing happened. I took many approaches, changed strategy multiple times but nothing worked. It's making my life complicated and it can only go worse in future.

Life, my friend!!! Why do you want to complicate my life...I am working so hard for it, give me what I need, like always!!!

Fingers Crossed!!!

A big step, a big decision and lots of hope.
Need a lot of luck too.

I am hoping, future holds a lot possibilities.
Fingers crossed!!!

The Pseudo Feminist

It was all triggered by Facebook.

I was looking at the profile of some of my ex-suitors, who had rejected me during my search for a groom...and I was affected by them all having flashed pictures with their pretty wife and lovely kids. God bless them all, but I wished God had started with me. Sigh!!!

I am not sure which part of my upbringing or my past experiences has got me this inferiority complex, I do seriously lac in the self-confidence department. Somewhere deep within, I know I am better than the most in scale of attitude, aptitude and looks, I earn more than most men of my age. However, I have always had the 'impostor syndrome'.

Looking at the happy families faces, I wondered if any of these ex-suitors met me today, they would thank their stars that they were wise enough to give me a pass.
Seriously....seriously!!!???

If somebody else would have told me that, I would have given them a good piece of my mind. The fact that not being able to have children does not make me any less a woman and I would not allow anybody think otherwise. Db has never lost an ounce of love or respect for me due to this incapability. Then how dare I think something like that. What does that make me??

It took me two days to kick myself and realize that if I do not learn to respect myself, nobody ever will. Yes, it certainly is an disadvantage, but that's not all that I have got to offer. I bring in a lot to the table despite that. I am an equal and nobody has the right to make me feel otherwise, not even me.

And yes, every single person who let me go, did miss something and someone very special.
People do not love me because I am special, on the contrary I am special because I am loved and cared for despite my shortcomings...and that's saying something. I must have done something right.

One of my close friend once mentioned that I am a pseudo feminist...may be I am. But I would make a conscious effort to love and respect myself more than ever, because I am indeed worth it.

And for everything else, there is always hope... 

My foe for the longest time...quit

The Balika Vadhu was my foe for the longest time.

I remember, when we friends used to have discussions around MIL's, I always used to mention that the daily soaps are spoiling the MILs. Particularly the Balika Vadhu. She gave the impression that a woman can be smart and strong, with a career...yet upholding the traditional values of wearing a saree, bindi and covering her head at all times, the quintessential sacrificial bahu who keeps others needs before hers. This makes my MIL also expect the same from me. She expected me to wear a saree to office, all dolled up as a traditional married woman.
When I saw Pratyusha Banerjee on the Big Boss wearing hot pants, I showed it to MIL, to make her realize that Anandi was just a fictional character and no woman in her right mind would be so sacrificial to the point of being stupid.

It was a shocker to know that my foe for the longest time has quit, quit forever.
The subject of abuse and domestic violence is not new to me. I see a lot of women I know being subjected to various degree of abuse by intolerant husbands. I wonder why do women put up with it.
We do not miss a single chance to shout Feminism from our rooftops, but why so many of us make such crappy choices in life. And if we do take a wrong turn, why is it so difficult turn back and start afresh. Why quit!!! The Indian law is so pro women, to the point of being biased. One complain of domestic violence, and the man in question goes to jail, loses his reputation, a police case also means no visas/passport, a dent to his career. Hell...I hear women misusing and abusing these laws. Yet so many are drawn to suicide...why??

Make the guy pay man!!! He abuses you...leave him, get him arrested, hell...get him castrated, but why end your own life. Life is so long, so beautiful, and life gives you so many choices, so many chances to correct where you went wrong. Don't quit, you don't need to.
Depression, is the fact of this generation. All of us have faced it at some point of our life, and if you are reading this you have overcome it too. Some people are not strong enough, lets try to help them. Its not something to be taken lightly. If you see a friend depressed, help them. Encourage them to meet a counsellor or  psychiatrist. Meeting a psychiatrist does not mean you are mentally unstable.

It's got me a bit worried, for friends I know are trapped in bad marriages, for my friends and colleagues who stay alone and feel lonely all the time, for this generation which seems to be mentally very fragile.

The endless wait

Waiting for my turn at the maternity hospital. But no my wait is different from most women here.
While I check out these women with various tummy sizes, I notice them checking me out with a flat one.

It's unfair that the fertility section should be on the same place as the maternity hospitals. Makes you stand out like a sore thumb, makes you go 'Why Me!!!'. Does this ever end!!!

Yeah yeah... I know I wrote the previous post wondering if not having kids was a blessing in disguise. So what!!! The wind blows in all directions.

Mom and Me

I remember soon after my wedding, my Mom was very disappointed by the fact that I never called her to ask for a recipe. She was sad that she has been brutally replaced by technology, google in this case.

She visited us recently once we moved in to the new house, after 7 years. BTW did I mention that we finally moved in to a house that we can call our own and pay the property taxes. Yipee to that!!!
Just to set up the context, I am not the chatty types, not the one that can discuss my whole day, friends or TV serials with my Mom. I am glad she found that in my SIL what she couldn't find in her daughter. I normally have 30 seconds call with her, mostly twice a day. She has a standard question bank with generic questions:

• Did you have your food?
• When did you reach/return from office?
• When did Db reach/return from office?

etc..you get the drill!!!

But now that she visited us recently and has been a part of our life for 15 days, her question bank is updated:

• Did Ra****ta (my cook) come?
• Did S*ni* (my maid) come?
• Check if the maid has kept the kitchen window open?
• Did she keep the kitchen towel on the gas knob again?
• Make sure you lock the balcony door

Makes me wonder, how much she misses being a part of our life.
My Mom is a typical example of a woman whose life revolved around her children. Now that we are not around, she looks very lost, does not know what to do with her time, where to direct her concerns to. I see her sitting in the balcony and singing by herself, suddenly getting extremely religious spending hours together in the temple...she looks lonely and completely lost.

I do not have kids today, but I have hope. Yet I wonder, is not having kids such a bad thing, is it a blessing in disguise. I can't imagine a life like my Mom. Giving your whole life to your kids and watch them moving on with their own life, a life of which the parents are no more a part of.

Probably Db is right, the ROI (Return Of Investment) on kids is very very low...sad but true. We have done the same to our parents and our kids will do the same or worse with us. May be it's not such a bad thing after all.