Want to be taken seriously....are you serious!!!!

I say...
I am woman, hear me roar!!!

Now why would anyone care as long we don't learn to respect ourselves, respect our commitments and respect each other.

I know its a trivial thing, but it affected me.
Women in my office decided to come all traditional dressed up one day. While everyone said yes, there was a lukewarm response that day.
Fine!!!

Another day same story. But some women said they were unhappy about the response. So, some women took initiative to have a desi day the next day...and that day is today.
No body except me, including the leaders in this initiative, has turned up all dolled.
And I had an audit today, the last thing I wanted to do is look unprofessional. Yet I believed, since it was a desi day at office I should be a part of it. And I committed.

Sad it is that we women want to be taken seriously, at work, while making decisions...while all the time we can't seem to respect our own decisions.
How many of us commit to reach at a venue at 5 and reach a good one hour late.
I have heard this from so many women...when a woman says NO its a NO, its not a MAYBE. Are we sure??? Can we blame others not to take our NO very seriously when we have proved time and again that we can't seem to keep our own word.

This a very trivial matter, but it speaks volumes about our attitudes. Out of 25 odd women only 1 kept her word, rest couldn't care less.

The Illusion of Equality

I read this quote somewhere
If women aspire to be equal to men, they are not ambitious enough.

I have always been a staunch believer in equality of the sexes. I firmly believe that men and women are equals. Whether at school or workplace, I have always competed with one and all, irrespective of their gender. But this year 2013 has been an eye opener.
I have been jolted out of my illusions and shown me exactly where I belong.

I have always been a very bankable resource all my carrier. And suddenly, I see people losing faith in me, why just others even I seem to have lost faith in myself. Due to the pregnancy gone wrong, I took quite some unplanned leaves, and worse, I again had to take more of the same when I went through the surgery. I almost lost my job because I wasn't a dependable resource any more. And I still feel the heat of the screwed pregnancy every month. A week every month I am unable to give my 100% at work, and this is just the beginning. Soon, I would plan for another pregnancy, I would have the pregnancy period, then maternity leave and eventually the never ending cycle of baby care, picking the kid from day care, school and etc. etc. etc.
The career would have gone for a toss.

Then how are men and women equal !!? How can I have the chance of having a equally flourishing career as a man!
A man can get the best of both, a great career and a grow a family at the same time, a woman can't.
I am not saying that that having a family isn't important, I am just saying that men and women are not equal. Because for a woman to be as equal as a man she has to make sacrifices, not very pleasant ones.

I have a friend, who had a miscarriage this year during her fifth month of pregnancy. She was on a 3 months medical leave. When she joined back she realized that her promotion was shelved because of her absence from work. She was furious, she was adamant that it was harassment.
I differ.
For whatever reason, she was absent from work for 3 months, the previous 5 months she wouldn't have given her 100% because she was carrying. Very obviously, the promotion will  be given to some one who had done great work and not just on seniority basis. So her losing on her promotion is not unfair. If a man would have met with and accident and he'd have been on medical leave for 3 months, the management would have probably done the same to him.
So, I don't blame the management. But can I blame her for her frustration on losing out on her promotion? She lost her baby, and losing out on her career opportunities is adding to her woes.

In my previous project, my manager went through a tough time when one of the key resource went on a unplanned leave for a couple of weeks because it was her early pregnancy period. I have enough example of ladies who have to leave office at square 6 even if lightning strikes, because they have to pick up the baby from the day care.

So who is to blame??? As women employees, we expect to be treated as equals, but very obviously after a certain years women are bound to have these kind of issues. It's not unfair on the part of a manager if he does not treat his women resources as bankable as the men. But then what about us, who'd give us jobs in that case. Are we supposed to stay back home and forget our jobs and careers !!  

A lady in my painting workshop suggested that I better set my expectations straight. She says that after a couple of years your career will go downhill. The sooner you accept it, better for you. If you think you can have the best of both worlds, a great career and a great family, you are in for a shock.
I am afraid, she is right.

No sire...Men and women are definitely not equal...and this realization hurts!!!

Updates

A lot of water has flown under the bridge.

1. Had a miscarriage early this year, technically an ectopic pregnancy (go google it!!!)

2. Took my very first travel abroad, went to Boston on work

3. Came back riding high on success, did some real serious work, suddenly I was a STAR at office.

4. The last miscarriage came back pinching again. We realized the terminated foetus never left us. Had to go through a surgery to finally terminate it.

5. The good run at office backfired. I became a sad victim of politics and almost lost my job. Greater visibility can sometimes become a bad thing. But there was still some luck left for me, so found a new job with a startup company and left the organization with my head held high.

6. The startup company turned out to be a lame duck. Yet again I had some luck left and found a good job within a couple of days. Left the startup within a week of joining and joined my current employer on a higher salary and (hopefully) more stable profile.

7. Completed some really difficult paintings, so I guess I have crossed the next level in the craft.

8. Bhai's marriage is fixed this December. Wishing him all the success.

9. SIL's groom hunt takes off.

10. Finally, bought a vacuum cleaner for the house.

Okay, I added the last one just to round it off to 10. Sue me!!!

Failures Big and Small and More...

My first failure that I remember is in my 4th standard.

I had almost 80% marks and the third rank holder in my class till my last paper of the terminal was out. It was the drawing paper, I had flunked the drawing paper and my overall percentage tumbled down to 70's and I lost my rank in the class that terminal. That for me then was my biggest failure. But when I look back to it today, it seems so trival and I wonder why I had been wasting my tears and boiling my blood over it.

With time, as I grew up my failures grew up with me too. Now I had bigger failures with bigger consequences and each time I thought that was the biggest failure of my life till I found the next one.

Why this now!!!
Because I have failed again.
Something that meant a lot to me, something I saw as a stepping stone to a bright carrier, something I gave my blood,sweat and tears to and something that has been taken away from me by force and worse I don't think I deserved this. I was not wrong, probably just at the wrong place at the wrong time. The issue as I believe has been blown out of proportion and I have been made a scrape goat by people who just needed someone to put all the blame on.

Lessons learnt:
1. Never over commit yourself to things. Nobody cares!!!
2. People on the other side just mean business. They are friendly but not your friends. When there is a choice between I and you people always choose I(obviously) and then they do not think about you. All your good work is conveniently forgotten.
3. Politics is everywhere and its a integral part of any business. Do not take things at face value and do not show all your cards.

Any way, now this qualifies as my biggest failure till date, till I find another one...

Shit is happening!!!

I feel like a pressure cooker tonight.

I always knew the job of a team lead is shit. The team members give you shit, the senior management gives you shit  too.and the clients give you more and more of the same. And you are the one sandwiched on all sides.
But I guess you cant really avoid this stage in your career.
I so hope I survive this, if not come out as a winner.

Phew!!!

Its not personal...

You know...too many women, together, can never achieve a goal.
Yes, I say that...being a women myself. That's because I believe that anxiety, jealousy, unnecessary tensions come so naturally to women.

This new team of mine, is 90% women, including the topmost people in the hierarchy. The person I immediately report to is the epitome of the above mentioned attributes.

I am not saying that I am any less women than the others, yet I hate to be a part of dirty politics at office. I more like a healthier professional environment.
I like to keep away from gossiping about other team members, I do not show my jealousy even if I do feel jealous at times, I do get panicked with deadlines but I try to use it in a more constructive way, I like to adhere to the 9 hours at office policy.

But I have just become a part of the same things.
I am one of the very few who spend 9 hours at office, while many including the senior-most ones spend less than 7 hours. So, these days even I try to leave in less than 8 hours...
I vehemently disagreed to a point what my senior was saying, despite of the fact that I knew what she was saying was right. That was only to retaliate to her earlier endeavors to bring me down for no reason in front of more seniors. For a minute, I did forget that its not personal, its only professional. But some people have this capability to bring out the worst in you. I regret it now, that doesn't feel nice...would try to keep my cool next time.

Well I am not complaining, because the place I came from was even worse, way more worse than this. Yet there are times I attack back like a hurt tigress...

New tales to tell...

New Job...new place...new people.

I kinda like this place.

Its a small place, less than a hundred people. But the office is quite cozy. They have almost unlimited Internet here. There are mostly no restrictions.

The team, while still hiring, as of now are more women. I am almost the youngest here, since all other women except me are mother to at least two kids. So, there is an overall good flexibility in terms of work timings. We are also expecting a work from home facility soon.

I am working for a very reputed client and the work though hasn't started in full swing, prima facie looks quite good. In addition to technologies that I already know, we are learning a couple of new ones. Here is what I made in the 1st week as a part of my learning.

On the flip side, there is a hell lot of visibility here. I am not sure if they appreciate you for good work, but you are sure to get caught if you are not working.

The no. of leave is quite less here and the no. of public holidays are only 8.

And, I hate the Access cards...they look so SARKAARI...

Sad it is, but they are not a complete deal breakers.

I always wanted to be reserve at office, but could never succeed with it. This time it looks possible. Contrary to what I was with my previous organizations, I am easily the least talkative person here. I find it strange at times that I have now become a good listener, while I hear other women talking about their kids, ranting about their in laws and sharing the daily nok-jhoks with their husbands. There are times I see everyone talking and I am just quietly listening. So unlike me !!!

2011 was a lazy year for me. For almost the entire year I had no work. So I have just lost the habit of working. Its a little difficult now to cope up with other hardworking people around. But I believe I should be able to come up to that level, since as of now I enjoy what I am doing, and how I am doing it.

Moving on...

Last day at office.

Too soon…is it not!!!
Actually I quit almost immediately after I joined…5 months to be precise. But without getting into specifics, I hated the project the moment I joined. I hated everything about the project…the work, the processes, the windowless wooden chamber, the no-internet-no-central-AC -no-extension kinda security paranoia…I hated it all. Yet with all my endeavors and some support from others, I managed to get the central AC in the project. But the project left a lot to be desired, since work was utter crap and it didn’t add even a miniscule value to my resume.
I also missed not updating this space quite often because I was denied any internet. It has nothing to do about pursuing my writing skills (or the utter lack of it), I just missed writing to my space.

While serving my notice period in the last month, I have grown a bigger disliking for the company as well, which hitherto I believed to be good barring this one project. A CMM Level 5 company as they call themselves, the processes, the recruiters, the HR are just pathetic…and I am glad that I am leaving.

There have been people here who can’t stop congratulating me on being able to make out of it. This kinda reinforces your belief in your decision, makes you feel yes, I did the right thing. Yet, I didn’t want my release to be as ugly as it has eventually turned out to be.

Yes, I wanted a release from the project, day one I knew this project is gonna screw my career and I did whatever it takes to get the situation favorable to me. But I didn’t wish the managers to have such a tough time. How I wish they had given me a release when I asked for it. It would certainly have been easy on all of us.

Well…I am happy that in this very short span of time I managed to make a lot of good friends. Something makes me feel that my team mates really like me and are gonna miss me for sure. And of course, there have been enough “Thank you’s” coming my way for the AC that I managed to install in the project.

This company sure was a mistake, but I am happy I had the enough courage to correct it. I am sure some people in this company are going to remember me for a long time for all the wrong reasons, and I hope some are going to remember me for the right ones.

I hope to have a long liaison with the company that I am moving on to now.

The reality...

During the project meeting :

Manager : Any planned leaves before Jan 13th.
Me : No...nothing planned yet.
Manager : You must have some plans...
Me : No.
Manager : 31st night party maybe...
Me : Thats a weekend.
Manager : Oh okay. Still you must be having some plans. I am assuming two days off for you. So that makes it 15 working days for you.

I come out of the meeting room thinking if I really look like a party animal. The manager didn't allocate leaves for anybody else.

THE REALITY :

Me : Everybody is goin out on Chrismas-New Year week. Why aren't we going anywhere!!
Db : Hmm. Lets plan something.
Starts searching for holidays in makemytrip.com...
Me : How much will that cost?
Db : 30...at least that is.
Me : And where are we with the saving for the new car and the house interiors?
Db : We have hardly got anything.
Me : Lets open that excel sheet and see where we stand with our savings.

After half an hour...
Me : What we can do is call some friends over on the 31st, order some good food and get some drinks. We can play monopoly through the night. Sasta, Sundar and Mazboot...what say!!!

Db nods sleepishly...

Moral of the story : People are not necessarily what they look like.

So how I feel is...

So how does it feel in a new office...
A curious question...isn't it !!! Well I'd just say its different. The people are different, culture is different...yet which doesn't necessarily mean its pleasant.

I was skeptical before I joined, reason...when things just go as planned and smooth, you know something is wrong. There was always at the back of my mind that since my professional life was going uphill since quite sometime, I might have some problems popping up soon. May be I'd land up in a wrong job, may be I'd be fired in a month...I donno.

But luckily the problems that I face now are nothing closer to what I had anticipated.

The organization as a whole is good. The project is again a banking project and the technology I'd say is satisfactory. But...I joined here for some benifits, which I did not get.

I joined for the work-from-home benifit which is not given to me, since its a banking project. The project is obsessed with security and hence the internet facility is terribly restricted. All my team mates are Telgu. So we have almost no connection to the outer world and I also have almost no connection to my teammates because they speak only vernacular language. Not that I mind, I had anyway decided before I joined that I did not wish to make friends in my team unlike how it was for my previous projects. Making friends in the team backfires many-a-times, and I had made an conscious decision of refraining from the same. So it works...

But despite of the fact that I was terribly frustrated the first week, despite of the fact that I cannot access my blog at office now on, while the rest of the office outside my project continues to enjoy unlimited internet access, despite of the fact that I am now almost totally disconnected from the world outside during office hours...yet there is just one thing that nullifies all of the above...

I start from home at 9 and reach home by 6.30...Howzzat!!!

Moving on...

Today is when I breathe my last on SG-Land, and then I move on...

Not that switching jobs is something new to me, but this time its different. This time I am more anxious, more nervous. May be its something do with my years of experience. I think i am at a more vunerable situation now when one wrong decision can screw up my carrier for a long time to come. So the fear of the unknown is more...way more this time.

I would be jobless, unemployed for the next three days...a normal housewife with no paycheque and no insurance. So I intend to watch a lot of movies, go for shopping...basically drain out my husband's bank balance. Isn't that what housewife's are supposed to do!!!


Shopping reminds me.
I had done this little online shopping on a chinese website, and despite of the fact that I ordered the largest size that they had it would still not fit me. Lets not forget that chinese sizes are obviously samller than that of Indians. Determined to fit into it some day, I have finally achieved my goal. Though I am not sure if I lost weight or the dress expanded due to numerous trials.

What do you think???
I think I look pretty darn good.

Day 21 : Already in a Holiday mood

Such a holiday mood that I am in and also because I stayed quite late at office last night...I almost decided I would not come to office today. But one hit on my conscience by none other than Db and I am here tearing my hair...

Day 19 :

Its going as an unfruitful day...

The servers are down so the testers cant test...
The testers can't test, so no bugs are raised...
No bugs are raised, so I have no work.

**Yawn**

Day 16 : Misplaced Intelligence

Ah I am so heartbroken.

I had reasons to believe that I would put down my papers before I start home on the 21st of this month.
But thats not happening, because I screwed up.
I had this offer from a descent company, though the package was not great but I would sure have loved to be a part of the organization. Even after many negotiations I could not bring them to give me any better pakage. I thought I would probably accept the offer and during my two months of notice period I would try to find a better offer.
But Db encouraged me to take a chance.

I was aware that my rating from the interview panel was quite high. I wrote them a mail stating that I would not be able to accept the offer if they were not willing to increase the pakage. We hoped that would ring a bell for them and they would try to put there best foot forward. It had happened several times in the past and this could have happened again. But it seems it didn't go well with them and the consultant tells me that the offer is withdrawn.
Boo hoo hoo!!!
I guess sometimes we think we are too smart, but people are smarter. I probably shouldn't have tried to use too much of my brains.

But then...lemme look at the better side of it.

I would get to work in the new building of my current employer. We are going to shift there by July and the building seems to be exteremely beautiful.

My salary here is not too bad, and I have managed to build an reputation here...because of which I believe I was given a higher designation during this appraisal cycle.

I can get a car loan from my office, at a nominal interest.

I can finally redeem the money for my french lessons, which otherwise wouldn't have been reimbursed.

Day 10 : Its raining birthdays

Its friday...
Somehow I feel my virtual battery gets almost discharged by friday everyweek. With very little energy left, friday is the day I am the least interested in my work.

But I have something to look forward to today.
We had five birthday's this week, in a team of 30 odd people. So these 5 people have joined hands to give us a nice lunch today.

Food...good food!!! Slurppp!!!

Day 3

Its Ugadi today, and we were requested to wear ethnic wear. I managed to grab a gaudy salwaar kammez instead of a saree. And the good news is the dress feela a bit loose to me...so am I finally losing some weight?
Well...the sad part is I seem to be the only one remotely in ethnic wear today in my team, being a friday all others are in casuals.

But there is a lady at office who generally turns up in short skirts, she is all ethnically dressed with dozen matching bangles, and so are a few jalparis at office. I like it when the office is all colourful and happy.

On the other hand, gearing up for the World Cup finals tomorrow. Its not very surprising that I don't have any interviews lined up tomorrow, of course no one wants to miss a World Cup final with the Indian team participating. We are expecting some of Db's friends tomorrow for the match. Might get induldegent with some rich food either cooked or ordered.

Hope the Indian team wins and gets the World cup home.

Day 1 : Lets start

For no particular reason, I have decided to chain my blog for the next 22 days.

May be because I am guilty of not being regular to my own site, so this is a way to regularize it for a while. So I am gonna blog each day for the next 22 days. Why 22 if you might ask??? Because on the 23rd day I'll be at Bhubaneswar with my parents. SInce they have recently shifted, I can;t be sure if they'd have got the internet at home.

Today is a good day to start with. Today being the World Cup semi finals between India and Pakistan. Well...I am not really a cricket buff, yet but my manager has granted me and a couple of others the option to take a half day to watch cricket. I am not keen on the cricket match but I do not mind a half day though. So I am going to exercise my option anyway.

I feel its not fair to put so much pressure on the players. Cricket is a game after all.
I am given to believe that the place Mohali, where the match is to take place, seems to have no more hotel reservations left, no place for private jet landing as well and while the tickets of the match have been sold at insane prices. Also it seems some of the offices have declared it an half day today. I hope the players after winning over the Aussies, were taken to some remote and secluded place where they did not have access to the telivision or newspapers.

Well...I'd be leaving in an hour may be, so lets do some work till then.

Innovations...phew!!!

More and more meetings to find innovations at work going nowhere.

I think we rae moving too fast. While I feel the team is not ready for innovations, we need improvements here. Improvements, which would eventually build the platform to introduce innovations.

Currently, we pitch in with an overdose of ideas, but we fail to implement them. Very similar to, as they say its easier to achieve success but difficult to maintain it at the top. Other than just one we have failed miserably to implement any of the innovations we started, only because the team is not ready to accept and participate in the changes.

Yes, I believe before we flood ourselfs with innumerous ideas and innovations, lets try to look within ourselves and think...'are we ready???' Instead lets try to make a more committed, sportive and interested team first.

They say the team works the best when the word 'I' is reduced to minimum. I cannot help but take myself as the example of the Frankestine's monster in the team.
When I joined a year back, I was brimming with ideas. I genuinely wanted to make a difference, a motivated team member. I stand here today, a year passed, demotivated so much so that I feel like just a necessary furniture in a house. I do have chances now to take up the changes and start afresh, but I am just not interested anymore.

Why??? Find the answer to this and all your questions are answered.
That would be a good change to start with.

It backfired...

Always believed a developer’s job is way tougher than any of the BA's and QA's.
I have been actively involved with testing as well in my previous projects, and I realized the biggest challenge with testing is to try and keep yourself interested. With this, Db has ever been criticizing that I do not respect the job that others do, while only giving credibility to my own job.

I beg to differ. It’s not that I do not give any integrity to testers and BA's, it’s just that I feel their's is a job even I can do, and to some extend I do as well...as a developer we do have a descent domain knowledge and we are involved in testing as well, maybe not as profoundly as the specialized people with the corresponding designations, but certainly if need be, I can with some effort fill in their shoes. But can a BA or a tester do what a developer can...can they solve technical issues or develop modules like us!!!
Yet, particularly in this project, I am amazed to see how BA's and testers behave as our bosses just because one provides us requirements while the other is supposed to review and find faults with what we have developed. They have to be spoonfed with everything from starting their servers, to creating their paths as well as cleaning up old data from their databases. Blasphemous!!!

Yes, I did try to bring about some changes in the team, to be able to change their mindsets and reduce the dependencies on the developers. I was even successful to some extend despite having very limited support from people in the team who were resistant to change. With the inclusion of some more new people, things were fairly smoother.

Yet, I am cribbing.

Because, I find the responsibilities of the change all coming to me while the credit is going to others.I was all game for the inclusion of the TestOlympics in the team. It would help us in the long run to identify more bugs and deliver bug free applications. But because I was game for it, I was assigned the task to prepare the platforms for 6 domains, I even participated in the game to raise bugs and now that we have 52 bugs just by including 30% of the application for the scope of the game, the BA’s happily raised them in the Bug tracking tool and assigned them to me. While the hard work is all mine the credit goes to somebody else.

How can we expect people to be proactive in continous improvement in the team when very obviously one section of the team is clearly overworked than the other, while the other section enjoys the credit for bringing in the change. With what has come out of the recent event, the developers are much more skeptical of trying anything new...at least I am.

La Français

Je me présente.
Mon nom est Mansi. J'ai 27 ans. Je suis un ingénieur. Je suis marié. Mon mari est un ingénieur ainsi. Son nom est Db. J'aime écrire des blogs où je me connecter mes pensées à différentes phases de ma vie. Je déteste la circulation dans Bangalore. Je rêve d'acheter une masion dans Bangalore.

Okay...now that was french. I have been burning my morning sleep on weekends and taking french lessons since almost a month now...and above is most of the french I have learnt till now. To decrypt the above please copy the same here.

Talking about languages, I am well versed with English, Hindi, Oriya, Bengali and to some extend Punjabi too. I like to learn new languages (Je aime apprende nouvelles langues). Yet French is a language I hate (Pourtant, Je déteste français), not just because its a tongue twister but also because what you write is not what you pronounce. Most of the words sound all similar to me and as if you were just blowing air out to somebody.

Yet, it worked...when one of the clients was here recently. He seemed impressed when I spoke in some toota-foota french with him. So, see its worth it!!!