FEELING SICK AND GUILTY

A grew up hating doctors. Somehow I feel, doctors and hospital make me more sick, I feel they are gonna screw up my immune system.

I have this cold and cough, which is like an accepted companion for life now, I have learned to live with it over time. Nothing new for me this time as well, my most loyal companion has come to visit me yet again. I tried to hush it up with a few cough syrups, but it still managed to come back to me over and over again. But it has been more painful than ever before. Why is what I fail to understand. I have had this problem since ages, never had I been so sick or been taking so many leaves from office. I recall, with my previous employer, once I had met with a serious accident where I hurt my kneecap, I was limping to my office even on weekends…I got an infected eye due to my lenses, I was wearing my thick glasses to office, working with my eyes just a few inches from the screen, since I couldn’t see effectively through the glasses…I still cooked my own food in my flat…managed to go places for grocery and other chores all on my own. So what makes it different this time? I haven’t been cooking since last two days, Db picked me from office last night, and I don’t remember the last week when I worked for 5 days in office.

If Db is to be believed, he says, he’s seen many of his teammates (females) started applying for more sick leaves after they got married. But why. Is it because you get somebody to pamper you…!!! And I have a more comfortable team this time, so I can afford to get relaxed. I guess these are the reasons.

But also, I have a feeling that I haven’t been performing well at office this quarter. Somehow I sense I am the weakest link in my project, due to my performance and due to the fact that I have been taking so many leaves recently. They gave me a rating of four for my confirmation and the hike of a dream, but sure they expected more outta me, which clearly I didn’t meet. I make silly mistakes at work, I mean real silly ones, can’t focus on one thing, and I feel as if everybody around me realizes it too. What hurts me most is the fact that I am not inevitable for this project, while wherever I worked before, I was inevitable for the team. You know, it could also be me and just me thinking that way, since I tend to be a very unconfident individual myself…may be my team doesn’t think so. But so be it, when I feel that I am not worth the ratings I received from this team, I feel sick. I have even considered asking for a release from this project, but somehow I feel that urge to fight back. I try to pick up the toughest work of the assigned ones, but somehow I fall flat most of the time, since I am not able to focus.

I want to come back, gain faith on myself and my capabilities, and prove myself all over again, not to others, to myself primarily. But if I can’t in a few months, I will certainly ask for a release from this project, or look for another job where I can start afresh. I can’t stay here anymore with the feeling that I didn’t deserve what they gave me.

UPDATE 24th November:
I have been diagonalized with Bronchitis. So all that feeling of being sick all these days wasn’t a just a feeling in that case.
I was feeling guilty all the way since I had to take Friday off from office, but now, here I am, on leave on the Monday also, and may be on Tuesday and Wednesday too. I need to visit the hospital twice a day for the Nebulization. So you see, I am quite incapable of joining office. But the guilt factor is growing bigger, I am not capable of delivering what I am expected to. Sigh!!!
I need to try harder and give my best when I join office later this week.