Failures Big and Small and More...

My first failure that I remember is in my 4th standard.

I had almost 80% marks and the third rank holder in my class till my last paper of the terminal was out. It was the drawing paper, I had flunked the drawing paper and my overall percentage tumbled down to 70's and I lost my rank in the class that terminal. That for me then was my biggest failure. But when I look back to it today, it seems so trival and I wonder why I had been wasting my tears and boiling my blood over it.

With time, as I grew up my failures grew up with me too. Now I had bigger failures with bigger consequences and each time I thought that was the biggest failure of my life till I found the next one.

Why this now!!!
Because I have failed again.
Something that meant a lot to me, something I saw as a stepping stone to a bright carrier, something I gave my blood,sweat and tears to and something that has been taken away from me by force and worse I don't think I deserved this. I was not wrong, probably just at the wrong place at the wrong time. The issue as I believe has been blown out of proportion and I have been made a scrape goat by people who just needed someone to put all the blame on.

Lessons learnt:
1. Never over commit yourself to things. Nobody cares!!!
2. People on the other side just mean business. They are friendly but not your friends. When there is a choice between I and you people always choose I(obviously) and then they do not think about you. All your good work is conveniently forgotten.
3. Politics is everywhere and its a integral part of any business. Do not take things at face value and do not show all your cards.

Any way, now this qualifies as my biggest failure till date, till I find another one...

Shit is happening!!!

I feel like a pressure cooker tonight.

I always knew the job of a team lead is shit. The team members give you shit, the senior management gives you shit  too.and the clients give you more and more of the same. And you are the one sandwiched on all sides.
But I guess you cant really avoid this stage in your career.
I so hope I survive this, if not come out as a winner.

Phew!!!

End of the Boston trip

Leaving Boston in a couple of hours. It's been a fruitful trip, professionally. If all goes well, which is not going pretty great so far...it would be the best that has happened to my career so far.

I am returning to India, and in the next 30 hours I will be breathing the indian air, with all the dust and pollution that I have been missing on the last couple of weeks. But I so hope I live up to everyone's expectations and the climb up the carrier ladder.

Did do a bit up sight seeing here, not much though. It's less to do with my work pressure and more because I was all on my own here and I didn't fancy going around the city on my own. No shopping either, will catch up on the shopping back in India.

Bonjour Paris

Traveling again...

This time to Boston. My first international travel ever.

I am at the Paris airport now...I have a 8 hours halt here.

The Charles De Gulle International airport is the biggest airport I have seen I'm my life...not that I have seen many.

It's huge and it's beautiful.

I see people of all nationalities here...black, French,Americans...I met one from Somalia also. They are every bit the caricatures as shown in Hollywood and sometimes Bollywood too.

The French are way too stylish, everyone is impeccably dressed in boots and well cut trousers and scarves. And many belong to that 'fashion ki maari' category.

I would reach Boston in in another 10-12 hours mostly.

Will have a lot more to fill up this space in the next few days.

Lesson one: first day at Chennai

The auto wallas in Chennai are bank robbers without a gun.

No matter how great you are at negotiations, you finally have to reply with
' I bow to thee and your might my majestic !!!'

Alive and Kicking...

Ahha!!! I am very much alive.
Undeading this blog is taking more effort than I anticipated. I got pulled into many more things.

But I will be back with a vengeance.

Pakka walla promise!!!

Buddha

Traffic stunt

There are some perks of being on a two wheeler in a jam packed road.
Here is a little stunt I put whilst I was stuck in the Ecospace traffic jam.

I said to my self 'Not bad huh!!!',when I emerged from the traffic to the mouth of the Main Gate. I was almost expecting people to stand up and clap in acknowledgement, but nothing of that sort happened. Other bike wallas were busy trying to follow my stunt and the car wallas were swearing under their breath.

My i10

I got a new car...
Db wanted a black car(I thought that was a depressing color) and I wanted a red(to which he gave me that what-nonsense look), so we decided mid way, to get a grey car.

 Its supposed to be meant for me, once get a polished hands on driving that is.
Yipeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

Would I???

I have finally completed the android app that I was working on.
Though its not exactly the same idea that I had when I started, yet it has come up to a real good shape.(Pats own back!!!)

Yet there is another challenge.
To post the application to the Android Market(now called Google Play), I need 25$ for the registration. So, I am still in the dilemma as to whether I should spend that amount for the Android registration.

The question is..would I give half the amount of thought if I were to buy a dress or jeans of the same price.

What do you think???

My first knife painting

Keeping the same tradition, I am going to post the progress here and the final copy of the painting on my painting blog.

 Day 1:

 Day 2:

 

Day 3:

Day 4:

Day 5:

And Finally : mon chef-d'œuvre

What’s cooking???

Yes, I have been quite irregular to my space…guilty as charged!!!

There have been a lot on my plate off late. 

Work…well!!! Don't get me started on that…let’s just say it pays for the bills and Home Loan EMI’s. But it’s not as bad as it sounds. We have finally got some appreciation from the client as well as higher management. So let’s say all’s well that ends well.

With my current work at office, I have been learning a lot of Frontend development for mobile and tablets, irrespective of the OS. Currently we are targeting a good product, which if done well will give us a lot of recognition. At the same time, I have been on my own developing a couple of applications, some for the web, some for mobiles and some for Android. Now, the point that I am trying to make is, the kinda work that I have done in the last 6 months, I hadn’t done in the last 7 years. I have somehow cultivated the interest of learning more technologies and brig myself up to date. It feels nice…learning and gaining proficiency on not just new technologies, but trying to fine tune my other dormant talents…one of them being painting

My first painting is finally done, and everyone else other than me thinks it has come out nice. May be I expect a little too much out of myself. But as DB rightfully said, I just can’t become a MF Hussain one fine day. So patience is the keyword, and hopefully the next painting will come out better.

Talking of my next painting, I am doing a knife painting this time. This one is the one I really wanna do nicely. It’s a nice colorful and romantic, and I am sure if done well, will look amazing on my new house bedroom wall…when both of them are ready that is.

And talking of my new house, they have postponed the handover date. It was April next and September next it is now. Grrrrrr to that !!!!

Bhai has finally changed his job. His previous job was killing him…I always knew this with these big Indian companies, they pay you peanuts and suck away all the life from you. His new job seems to be nice so far…and he seems to like it too. With these baby steps, I hope rest of his life falls into place one by one. Touchwood!!!

MIL is not keeping well since some time, and sometime last week when I saw her on the Video Chat, I really felt bad and worried for her. The sad part is, we being at our place and they being at theirs, very little can be done about it. That’s the sad price you pay for the money and lifestyle that brings you away from your family.

Well...with that we come to the end of this bulletin. Thanks for listening!!!

Learning to paint

I have always been a jack of all trades and master of none.
And one of my such trades has been trying to try to paint. For my more amateur paintings, my so called art blog could be visited at splash-art.blogspot.com.

But, now I have decided to start painting professionally. Actually this time it has been more than just decide, I have already done four classes. Now, each painting takes 8 classes, and since I go only on weekends, I have been learning for almost a month now.

With this blog I'll be tracking my each day progress and eventually hang my end result on my art blog.

Day 1:

 Day 2:

Day 3:

Day 4:

Day 5:

Day 6:

And Finally :

Just Updates

Its been a week that I am back from Indore.

It was a very draining experience...physically, mentally and emotionally, and I am glad to be back. But even after I am back to Bangalore, there has been immense pressure on the professional front. I badly need a break now.

If not anything else that I got from Indore, I brought this addiction to this new serial on Star Plus...Is Pyar Ko Kya Naam Doon. Much to Db's shock, horror and irritation, I am almost obsessed with this serial.  I have watched some 100 episodes of the serial from YouTube in this week.

Whatever!!! I am dying for a vacation. Is someone listening...!!!

Realization @Indore

I would probably never understand, what it is that triggers my thought process. What makes me start wondering about myself or judge myself. Sometimes its when I am alone or disturbed, or when someone points out something about me, or sometimes as trival as a movie or just a song that makes me go on a self evaluation trip.

I am at Indore now...came here on business. Indore stay so far hasn't been a lot of fun. There is some irritationg kinda work, which did not need me travelling across states. I didn't even find the food or shopping part interesting. You could easily get such things and more in Bangalore.
I probably always knew that coming here would not gain me a thing, nor financially, nor personally and niether professionally. But I willing took this leap of faith, hoping that something good might come out of it...I mean professionally. But I was wrong, it has been a royal waste of time, energy and emotions. Away from DB since 3 weeks already, I have come down from being strongest to stronger and then just going strong now. There are two more weeks to go, and I would probably have reached a level where women look like damsels in distress. I regret having taken the decision of coming down here, since I didn't gain a thing and having left all my strength behind. I have realized that its okay if DB is travelling for a couple of months, but I can't stand leaving him alone.

BTW, who was that...one who said all of that is written above. It certainly isn't me, for I belive these couldn't be my words, its just not me... I always believed that I am nothing like normal women who find strength from people around them. I could always manage to find my strength within, then why do I feel so...I have been a fighter so far, so what makes me go weak in my knees. Damn...why???
Does marraige make you weak...but then I have been married for over 4 years now, isn't that too late for this realization. And, I do not think Db is an overprotective husband, he hasn't treated my like a lady anyway...then why is that his absence, rather me leaving him behind bothers me so much.

You know, there was a time I believed in magical love stories...you know the DDLJ kinds. I did belive that it would happen to me some day and I just need to wait for that right time. There were many good opportunities that I denied only because I thought they weren't magical enough. I was waiting for those dry leaves to fly and voilins to play. But I was jerked out of my fantasies, a rude shock which came and I realized that the Cindrella story that we wait for are actually not for real. You can't build a life over them. I consider myself lucky, I saw the magical story, realized it wasn't real and moved on to grab the realities of life.
No regrets, since I believe it has made me a better person, value people in life and not to take them for granted, and of course I think my life couldn't have been better. Whatever...!!!

I can't get down to get all that cheesy...if Db reads this(which he will), he'd probably think I was drunk as hell.

Its not personal...

You know...too many women, together, can never achieve a goal.
Yes, I say that...being a women myself. That's because I believe that anxiety, jealousy, unnecessary tensions come so naturally to women.

This new team of mine, is 90% women, including the topmost people in the hierarchy. The person I immediately report to is the epitome of the above mentioned attributes.

I am not saying that I am any less women than the others, yet I hate to be a part of dirty politics at office. I more like a healthier professional environment.
I like to keep away from gossiping about other team members, I do not show my jealousy even if I do feel jealous at times, I do get panicked with deadlines but I try to use it in a more constructive way, I like to adhere to the 9 hours at office policy.

But I have just become a part of the same things.
I am one of the very few who spend 9 hours at office, while many including the senior-most ones spend less than 7 hours. So, these days even I try to leave in less than 8 hours...
I vehemently disagreed to a point what my senior was saying, despite of the fact that I knew what she was saying was right. That was only to retaliate to her earlier endeavors to bring me down for no reason in front of more seniors. For a minute, I did forget that its not personal, its only professional. But some people have this capability to bring out the worst in you. I regret it now, that doesn't feel nice...would try to keep my cool next time.

Well I am not complaining, because the place I came from was even worse, way more worse than this. Yet there are times I attack back like a hurt tigress...

Times have changed, So have I...

On our way back from the Bangalore International Airport earlier this week, we happened to share our taxi with a girl. She was a trainee at Microsoft, headed towards her office at 9.30 pm of that Monday evening. She kinda changed my perspective towards the kids of this generation...who I hitherto believed were reckless, confused and with a devil-may-care kinda attitude written all over their faces. She was someone who takes life so seriously, may be a little more than required...she was so grounded, so real...in short so me.

Memories...I am so amazed by their capability of popping out of no where and take you back...back by may be 7 years(Hell!!! Am I really that old now !!!), when I believed I knew life so well. I believed I knew what I was doing, I believed I could make things happen, give my life whatever direction I wished.

Given a chance, I would like to meet the old me, and could give her a lesson or two on how to relax and let things take their own course. Worrying about them doesn't solve your problems. And yes, I must ask her to make some boyfriends ;)

PS : I am gonna pretend I didn't write the last line if Db happens to read this (which he certainly would)

New tales to tell...

New Job...new place...new people.

I kinda like this place.

Its a small place, less than a hundred people. But the office is quite cozy. They have almost unlimited Internet here. There are mostly no restrictions.

The team, while still hiring, as of now are more women. I am almost the youngest here, since all other women except me are mother to at least two kids. So, there is an overall good flexibility in terms of work timings. We are also expecting a work from home facility soon.

I am working for a very reputed client and the work though hasn't started in full swing, prima facie looks quite good. In addition to technologies that I already know, we are learning a couple of new ones. Here is what I made in the 1st week as a part of my learning.

On the flip side, there is a hell lot of visibility here. I am not sure if they appreciate you for good work, but you are sure to get caught if you are not working.

The no. of leave is quite less here and the no. of public holidays are only 8.

And, I hate the Access cards...they look so SARKAARI...

Sad it is, but they are not a complete deal breakers.

I always wanted to be reserve at office, but could never succeed with it. This time it looks possible. Contrary to what I was with my previous organizations, I am easily the least talkative person here. I find it strange at times that I have now become a good listener, while I hear other women talking about their kids, ranting about their in laws and sharing the daily nok-jhoks with their husbands. There are times I see everyone talking and I am just quietly listening. So unlike me !!!

2011 was a lazy year for me. For almost the entire year I had no work. So I have just lost the habit of working. Its a little difficult now to cope up with other hardworking people around. But I believe I should be able to come up to that level, since as of now I enjoy what I am doing, and how I am doing it.

Moving on...

Last day at office.

Too soon…is it not!!!
Actually I quit almost immediately after I joined…5 months to be precise. But without getting into specifics, I hated the project the moment I joined. I hated everything about the project…the work, the processes, the windowless wooden chamber, the no-internet-no-central-AC -no-extension kinda security paranoia…I hated it all. Yet with all my endeavors and some support from others, I managed to get the central AC in the project. But the project left a lot to be desired, since work was utter crap and it didn’t add even a miniscule value to my resume.
I also missed not updating this space quite often because I was denied any internet. It has nothing to do about pursuing my writing skills (or the utter lack of it), I just missed writing to my space.

While serving my notice period in the last month, I have grown a bigger disliking for the company as well, which hitherto I believed to be good barring this one project. A CMM Level 5 company as they call themselves, the processes, the recruiters, the HR are just pathetic…and I am glad that I am leaving.

There have been people here who can’t stop congratulating me on being able to make out of it. This kinda reinforces your belief in your decision, makes you feel yes, I did the right thing. Yet, I didn’t want my release to be as ugly as it has eventually turned out to be.

Yes, I wanted a release from the project, day one I knew this project is gonna screw my career and I did whatever it takes to get the situation favorable to me. But I didn’t wish the managers to have such a tough time. How I wish they had given me a release when I asked for it. It would certainly have been easy on all of us.

Well…I am happy that in this very short span of time I managed to make a lot of good friends. Something makes me feel that my team mates really like me and are gonna miss me for sure. And of course, there have been enough “Thank you’s” coming my way for the AC that I managed to install in the project.

This company sure was a mistake, but I am happy I had the enough courage to correct it. I am sure some people in this company are going to remember me for a long time for all the wrong reasons, and I hope some are going to remember me for the right ones.

I hope to have a long liaison with the company that I am moving on to now.

Ignorance is bliss...

I was never a brand conscious person. I never gave a damn what brand my Tee is, as long as it makes me look and feel good. I never had expensive shoes or bags, always buying these 100 rs footwear from the MG Road and carring a wallet in my back pocket in the name of a purse.

But now I know that there are so many amazing brands in this world, ones that make you look like a Goddess. Ever since I have known them, I keep an eye open to various sales in the city and each of these sales I shop like there is no tomorrow.

In the last couple of months I have bought at least 6 footwear, 3 dresses and 3 handbags to my credit. They make me feel amazing when I wear them, but it pains to see the bank balance sinking down at the cost of the increasing footwer in the shoe rack.

This change was almost sudden on me, when I started following some fashion blogs, and realized that its not mandatory to wear a black foorwear with a black dress, hot pink is not a tacky colour, there are colours beyond VIBGYOR… peach, mauve, teal and pastels also exist.

Now my wardrobe looks incomplete to me because it does not contain a Zara dress nor a Guess bag. Yet being oh-so-middleclass I feel the pinch of guilt. I wish I could get some guilt free money from somewhere and shop to heart’s content. But knowing myself, even if I do get that kinda money I am sure I will buy shares than a French Connection.

Oh I was so much better without knowing there in the world existed do many expensive and exclusive brands. Now I am stuck with a soul that wants to buy great brands, a mind which wants to save up all the money for the house interiors next year, and a hope against hope that somebody gifts them to me for free.